sorry, not sorry

I don't like people.

Okay, not really, but sometimes it feels like this. 

Even before everything with Jonathan, I was an introvert. I am truly a homebody.  I could be perfectly content with not seeing anyone for a day, a few days, a week....okay, perhaps not a week, but maybe. 

In addition to being an introvert, I apologize a lot.  I have noticed that it's second nature for me to apologize a lot for things I don't need to apologize for.  I'm the person who has apologized to a stranger who bumped into me at the grocery store.

One thing I've realized over this past year is that life is too short.  Because of this, I am learning to find my voice and be okay with actually letting people know my opinion.  I'm not a pushover, but I am a people pleaser.  I like people to be happy.  And I've trained my mind to think that people will be happy if they always hear what they want.  But in the end, it's really not fair to them or to me. 

I am becoming okay with telling people no and not apologizing for it.  This is okay.  It's okay to tell people the truth.  Now, I'm not going to be rude or mean.  I need to tell the truth in love.  There's a difference between being blunt and truthful.   

I have learned with my new found honesty that if I don't want to go to a social gathering because I'm in a funk or because it will be tough with all the babies and baby-talk, I don't have to go and I don't have to apologize for it.  Sorry, not sorry.

One complicated thing while grieving is friendships.  People will surprise you because some friendships actually won't there for you, and then there are people who you hardly know that become some of your best friends while you grieve.  So on top of grieving your loss, you sometimes end up grieving the loss of friendships. 

Friendships change anyway, but I think grief just adds complication...which grief is good at doing in any situation.  We aren't all going to be best friends, and we have to be okay with that. 

I've found that mothers who have had child-loss(es) and I just have this ultimate and unfortunate bond.  For example, I have a friend who I have never met face to face that actually knows my heart and pain better than friendships I've had for years. 

Life can be complicated, but navigating through life while grieving is a whole new ball game.  I'm learning a lot on this journey, and I am feel like I am becoming a better me through it all...or at least trying to become a better me.  Grief strips away so many filters and leave you with the nitty-gritty.  I feel like there is nothing to hide behind while grieving.  It leaves you raw, and I don't have to apologize for it.