adoption

When Charles and I first got married, I mentioned that I wanted to adopt one day.  He wasn't too open to the idea, and he preferred to have our own children.  After that conversation, I just prayed that if we were to adopt, that God would change Charles' heart and Charles would lead our family by bringing up the topic.

Fast forward to spring 2015.  While processing our loss of Jonathan, the idea of adoption kept popping up.  We didn't seriously discuss it, but we knew it could be an option for our family.

Over the past few months, we've seen God use families who have adopted to open our hearts to adoption.  One Sunday afternoon in October, Charles and I were eating at Chuy's when Charles asked, "What do you think about adoption for our family?" This was the first time we seriously discussed it. I also pointed out that he had come a long way from when we first got married.  It was cool to see how God answered my prayer, and Charles was leading our family in regards to adoption. 

When Charles brought up the topic, surprisingly, I was the one with an issue.  I didn't want to adopt.  I want to have my own babies.  Simple as that.  So we decided to pray separately about it.

We have been trying to continue to grow our family since May, but we haven't had much luck.  I contacted my doctor in November, and she recommended that if I still wasn't pregnant by January, we'd start on the path of infertility treatments.  For some reason, that didn't sit well with me.  I've gotten pregnant twice already, and I don't really want to do infertility treatments.  I don't think that there is anything wrong with them, but at this point in my life, I don't really feel like that's what we should do. 

Then December 9th came.  The two year anniversary of Jonathan's diagnosis. Not only was it December 9th, but that day it was officially confirmed I wasn't pregnant for that month.  Boy, that day was starting off great! 

I had a few extra minutes before I needed to leave for work, so I thought I could squeeze in a quick quiet time, so I grabbed my Jesus Calling devotional, and read the devotional for December 9th.

It was about taking risks, trusting in Jesus' plan, not living the safe and easy life, and following where He leads.  As I'm reading this, I kept hearing, "Adoption! Adoption! Adoption!" (like a flashing neon sign) - I felt the call to adopt.  And my honest reaction was:

"Oh, crap...."

I had to let go of the dream of having my own kids.  That might not be God's plan for us. 

As I am driving to work, I call Charles (which I rarely do while he's at work), and I make sure he knows I'm okay, but then I tell him, "I'm 99.9% sure we are supposed to adopt."

After his initial shock to my heavy conversation, he told me that that same morning, as he was journaling during his quiet time, he asked the Lord to give us a child.  He remembers thinking that was an odd way to phrase it, because that doesn't necessarily mean for me to be pregnant, which is how he was praying previously. 

So we came to the conclusion we are to adopt. 

The way we see it is that we have the room, means and love for a child (or children), so why not pursue adoption?  If I find out I'm pregnant in a few months down the road, we still plan on pursuing adoption. 

At this time, we'd appreciate prayer for clarity on the next steps.  We both envision local adoption.  And over the past couple of weeks, my desire to have a baby has grown strong.  So we aren't exactly sure where to go from here.   

There are two very different paths we could take.  We could go through an adoption lawyer, which would be very likely of adopting an infant, or we could go through The Call/DHS, which we could get an infant, but the timing isn't as clear as the previous option. 

And who knows, perhaps my desire for a baby doesn't mean the first child we get will be an infant.  It could be that we bring home a sibling set first, and then in a few years we bring home an infant.  There are just so many possibilities. 

Please pray for wisdom and clarity as we continue to seek God's plan for the growth of our family.

Matrix

Little over a year ago, Charles was looking at the photos on his phone and said, "I really like this picture of you. It's one of my favorites."

Now the photo wasn't anything special. Just a candid he previously took of me. 

But I instantly knew why he loved that picture even if he couldn't see why.

It was the last picture of me just minutes before our world changed forever. It was a picture of us in the waiting room just minutes before our 21 week ultrasound to find out the gender of Jonathan. 

December 9, 2013: That day will always be the day our world came crashing down.

Charles loves that picture because that girl in the picture is naive...because that girl in the picture doesn't understand tragedy...because that girl in the picture doesn't have grief and pain written all over her face.

It makes me sad that that is one of his favorite pictures because I know I will never be that girl anymore. 

It's as if my eyes have been opened, and I can't unsee what I've seen. It's like the Matrix. I now see the world for what it truly is. I see the pain, hurt and suffering. People are grieving all around me, and now I can actually see it.  

The pain and grief that has surfaced this holiday season in my community has been tremendous. To those who are grieving, hurting and suffering: two holidays down, one more to go. We will survive. We have to. 

Unfortunately we can't go back to the Matrix. We have already seen it for what it is.