update

I feel like there are three areas in my life that I am compartmentalizing: Jonathan, pregnancy, and adoption.

Yes, there are still many moments of grief I still have. It definitely doesn't help with April 1st around the corner.

We celebrated Charles' birthday, then mine...and then it's the count down to Jonathan's. When I woke up March 7th, it definitely hit me in the face.

Our church did a video on us and Jonathan's story. It was tough to be so vulnerable, but I find strength knowing God is still using Jonathan. It brings me comfort.

Navigating grief is still so hard when it's unexpected.

Along with the reoccurring grief, introvertedness and morning sickness, I feel like I am kinda sucking at friendships right now. I know I'm probably being too hard on myself, but I do not have a lot of extra energy to give.

It doesn't help with where I am at: I'm still in limbo with my stage of life. Even two years later, I still have a hard time relating to my friends who are moms. By the way, 99.99% of my friends are moms. Yes, I'm pregnant now, but that doesn't solve anything. I'm still in limbo.

This is one of the areas of my life where grief has really messed up.

On top of grief, I'm pregnant. That's a biggy. It's already been a struggle trying to enjoy this pregnancy. I'm definitely more pessimistic than optimistic in general, and perhaps it's also me trying to protect my heart.

I asked my cousin, who has gone through her own loss, when it gets easier with a new pregnancy. Her response:
"Ummmmmm 😬😳😂"

Awesome.

I guess this is how the "new normal" is still being defined in my life.

I'm trying to enjoy this pregnancy as much as I can...the morning sickness/all day sickness sometimes hinders that joy. With Jonathan, I planned on mapping everything out regarding nursery and registry once we found out the gender, so I am not behind or anything this time around, but still, I need to break down the barriers around my heart and allow myself to get excited. I have to make the choice to do so.

One way we embraced the pregnancy was by picking out baby names this weekend. That was nice to allow myself that excitement. FYI - the names are super cute!

Everything is going well so far with Baby G -- the ultrasounds have shown a strong heartbeat. Although it's too early to tell, I already know it's a girl.

Then on to topic number three: adoption.

We wrapped up our training in February, and now we are just waiting for our home study. It could be another couple of months before we are officially open.

The training was wonderful! It was so encouraging seeing God work through all of the families at the training! I really began to see the calling God has for us and our family. It's almost like being a local missionary to the broken hearts in our community.

It might sound a bit crazy to be apart of the adoption/fostering world, and some people might not understand, but we know we are in good company.

Honestly, I do feel a bit overwhelmed with the idea of adoption. I think that healthy. I know that God will provide a family for us, and trusting in Him gives me peace in the uncertainty. Which is hard at times because I am a control person.

The easy thing to do is to stop the adoption and focus on my pregnancy. But big picture: it's not about us. In addition, Charles and I both feel it's still an open door. I know we are going to adopt one day, and perhaps that day will happen this year, next year, or in five years. We don't know exactly when, but we are still seeking God for His timing.

God has it all under control. His has a plan that is better than mine. I'm not sure what that plan is, but I do know He is a GOOD God.

https://vimeo.com/155900665