It's been a long time since I can finally say that.
I feel like I have truly been happy for the last few months. Part of me attributes it to having Charlotte. There is so much joy in being a parent, and that joy multiplied when she was born.
Aside from feeling happy, I can actually see it. We have maternity/baby pictures on the wall in our bedroom, and I feel like you see the progression of my happiness in those pictures. For the past couple of years, I feel like my smile hasn't been as big as it has been or as it is now. Yes, I'm was/am happy being Zachary's mother, but I really feel like these past few years have been so clouded with darkness and grief as I've been processing the loss of Jonathan.
Along with my new found joy, I also feel like being happy is a choice. Now don't get me wrong, I still have my moments and days of hurt and anger, and I am also an advocate for anti-depressant/anxiety meds, so I'm not saying that everything can be fixed by deciding to be happy. But for me, choosing to be happy now is a big part of it.
I was talking to my cousin the other day about how much weight I need to lose, and as I've said before, I have this scale number in my head that I think once I'll reach it, I'll be happy again. That number has always been my pre-weight before I got pregnant with Jonathan. My view of that number is twisted because it represents how I was and who I was before I had Jonathan...before I knew what the loss of a child felt like...before I knew what the darkness of grief felt like. As I was talking to my cousin, I kind of felt it click that I can be happy now. Yes, even with 40+ pounds to lose, I can be happy. I just need to shift my perspective.
Yes, I want to be healthy. Yes, I want to still lose weight. But I can be happy now while I'm on the journey. I can also rock a cute new outfit now, even if the size on the tag is higher than I used to wear. I can get the cute haircut now, instead of waiting until I lose the weight to look pretty. I am pretty now. I am cute now. I am happy now.
My perspective has also changed because my kids love me for me. They don't care what size I am. I thought of a popular blog post that floats around Facebook during the summer about a mom swimming with her kids instead of sitting on the sidelines because she doesn't want to wear a swimsuit. Her kids don't care about how she looks in her suit. Her kids care about her playing with them. Again, life's too short.
With this new found epiphany, I'm still human, and I'm still a grieving mama. Yes, I find myself being happier, but there are still those moments of when I get that ache in my heart for Jonathan. Honestly, I don't think that will ever go away. I shared a picture on social media this weekend of me holding Zac and Charlotte. When I posted it, I didn't know how to caption it. I wanted to write that my heart was full... Or that my arms are full of joy... But those didn't seem right because Jonathan was missing. He wasn't in my arms or hugging my leg as I held his two younger siblings. Even though my heart appeared full, it still ached a bit.
Missing Jonathan and longing for him will never change. But I feel like as I am raising Zac and Charlotte, I can choose to be happy in the moment with them instead of choosing to be happy in the future. I think that I can give Jonathan the credit for me realizing what I have in my heart (and arms) right now. And that makes me happy.
