I'm not okay, and I have to be okay with that.
It's a daily battle to figure out my new world. It's tough and exhausting at times. One day I feel like I am actually doing okay, and then something out of the blue occurs, and I am brought back to the reality that I'm not okay.
I feel like my grief comes like waves. Sometimes the waves are just lapping at my ankles, and I am aware that they are there. Sometimes the waves are huge, and I am knocked on my ass from it's force. The waves are unpredictable.
I am not okay, and because of this, I need to take sometime for my heart to heal. This Wednesday will be my last day at my current job. I talked to my principal last week about not returning this fall. This was one of the hardest decisions I've made, but I do feel that this is God's plan for me. I do not know what the future holds, but I am looking forward to healing my heart. I know that God will reveal His next plan for me when He's ready. I am a big planner, so making this decision with zero back-up plans is tough, but it's where I need to be.
I am going to take this "sabbatical" and heal. I know this is the best choice, but I will miss my wonderful Walker family. They have been such a huge support over the past two years, and I feel like I am letting everyone down by not returning this fall. I will miss seeing all my teachers and kiddos on a daily basis.
In regards to what is next for me, I'm 100% not sure. I might sub a few days during the week this fall, I might get involved in some ministry, I might write a book... I feel like the options are endless, which is why Charles has challenged me to wait to plan anything until August. This summer, I am taking this time to listen to God.
I just need to be and heal.
I need to be okay with not being okay.
Sunday, May 31, 2015
Thursday, May 21, 2015
eff it
I am angry.
I have a lot of anger.
And then I am angry about my anger.
I feel like of all of the stages of grief, anger is the one that I have been dealing with the longest. I feel stuck. I thought that once I experienced all of the "firsts" (first holidays, birthday, etc.), I would feel better and not be as angry. But that actually isn't the case, and I still have a lot of anger.
I am angry Jonathan isn't here.
I am angry that I don't have a baby.
I am angry that I don't know when I'll have a baby again.
I am angry that everyone and their dog is pregnant or just had a baby.
I am angry that people don't understand (but also thankful they don't get it).
I am angry that I have to figure out my "new" normal.
I am angry I still have 30lbs of baby weight to lose.
I am angry that I am an emotional eater.
I am angry I still can't wear my wedding rings.
I am angry at God.
I am angry at people on Facebook.
I am angry that I feel so isolated.
I am angry that I hurt so bad.
I am angry.
I could honestly sit here and just continue this list for miles. There are a lot of things that I am angry at. Don't get me wrong, I also have joy and happiness in my life. But grief is just complicated, and my emotions are all over the place all the time. Charles often reminds me though that "grief and joy are not mutually exclusive." I know that I have a ton of blessings in my life, but that doesn't make the anger and pain go away. The complicatedness of grief is what makes me feel like I am going crazy on a day to day basis.
One thing that I have done to cope with my anger is cuss. Yep, as juvenile as that sounds, it does help. If it's between cussing or punching someone in the face, and I think cussing is the better choice of the two.
If a baby commercial or a pregnancy test commercial comes on while watching tv, I often find myself just sitting there flipping the tv off. Yep, that's a proud moment. There are many days that I have to hold myself back and refrain from changing my Facebook profile picture to me flipping everyone off.
One of my friends (who has gone through her own horrific loss of a child) and I went on a rant around the holidays about how we are dealing with our grief. We came up with a slogan: "Eff It." By the end of the week, I had designed a shirt, and she cross-stitched a pillow for herself. When my anger and pain becomes so extreme, sometimes the only thing to describe how I feel is: "Eff It."
Even that cat mirrors how pissed off I am at times. I truly love this shirt.
One thing that really gets me fired up is when people come up to me and say the phrase, "Oh, I understand..." And no matter what the rest of their statement is, I can feel myself already getting angry. This is the WORST phrase to hear. Unless your only child died four hours after he was born in your arms, you had a miscarriage ten months later which required you to have not one, but TWO D&C's, you don't understand. And the people who do "get it" when it comes to dealing with grief, are the ones that are the first to say that they don't get it. Honestly, sometimes Charles doesn't even get it. Even though Jonathan was our son, our individual journey through grief is different.
All loss is hard, and the variations of loss cannot be measured. Grief is heart-wrenching no matter what your loss is that you face. Grief just plain SUCKS. While we are grieving, we don't need for people to try to find some common thread. Sometimes you just need a hug, or chocolate, or for someone to say that it really sucks what you are going through. And sometimes, "eff it" is the best way to sum it all up.
I have a lot of anger.
And then I am angry about my anger.
I feel like of all of the stages of grief, anger is the one that I have been dealing with the longest. I feel stuck. I thought that once I experienced all of the "firsts" (first holidays, birthday, etc.), I would feel better and not be as angry. But that actually isn't the case, and I still have a lot of anger.
I am angry Jonathan isn't here.
I am angry that I don't have a baby.
I am angry that I don't know when I'll have a baby again.
I am angry that everyone and their dog is pregnant or just had a baby.
I am angry that people don't understand (but also thankful they don't get it).
I am angry that I have to figure out my "new" normal.
I am angry I still have 30lbs of baby weight to lose.
I am angry that I am an emotional eater.
I am angry I still can't wear my wedding rings.
I am angry at God.
I am angry at people on Facebook.
I am angry that I feel so isolated.
I am angry that I hurt so bad.
I am angry.
I could honestly sit here and just continue this list for miles. There are a lot of things that I am angry at. Don't get me wrong, I also have joy and happiness in my life. But grief is just complicated, and my emotions are all over the place all the time. Charles often reminds me though that "grief and joy are not mutually exclusive." I know that I have a ton of blessings in my life, but that doesn't make the anger and pain go away. The complicatedness of grief is what makes me feel like I am going crazy on a day to day basis.
One thing that I have done to cope with my anger is cuss. Yep, as juvenile as that sounds, it does help. If it's between cussing or punching someone in the face, and I think cussing is the better choice of the two.
If a baby commercial or a pregnancy test commercial comes on while watching tv, I often find myself just sitting there flipping the tv off. Yep, that's a proud moment. There are many days that I have to hold myself back and refrain from changing my Facebook profile picture to me flipping everyone off.
One of my friends (who has gone through her own horrific loss of a child) and I went on a rant around the holidays about how we are dealing with our grief. We came up with a slogan: "Eff It." By the end of the week, I had designed a shirt, and she cross-stitched a pillow for herself. When my anger and pain becomes so extreme, sometimes the only thing to describe how I feel is: "Eff It."
Even that cat mirrors how pissed off I am at times. I truly love this shirt.
One thing that really gets me fired up is when people come up to me and say the phrase, "Oh, I understand..." And no matter what the rest of their statement is, I can feel myself already getting angry. This is the WORST phrase to hear. Unless your only child died four hours after he was born in your arms, you had a miscarriage ten months later which required you to have not one, but TWO D&C's, you don't understand. And the people who do "get it" when it comes to dealing with grief, are the ones that are the first to say that they don't get it. Honestly, sometimes Charles doesn't even get it. Even though Jonathan was our son, our individual journey through grief is different.
All loss is hard, and the variations of loss cannot be measured. Grief is heart-wrenching no matter what your loss is that you face. Grief just plain SUCKS. While we are grieving, we don't need for people to try to find some common thread. Sometimes you just need a hug, or chocolate, or for someone to say that it really sucks what you are going through. And sometimes, "eff it" is the best way to sum it all up.
Wednesday, May 20, 2015
unfiltered
I was challenged yesterday by my counselor to write.
While getting all worked up about where I am in my grief, she suggested that I write. I should write honest and unfiltered words.
Grief is something that we don't often talk about. I'm not saying I am an expert on grief by any means, but I have had my share of loss over the past couple of years. The challenge for me with this blog will be to write about my feelings honesty and actually share where I am. I shouldn't filter my words or thoughts based on what others may think about me. Doing this will be tough, but I am hoping my honesty might resonate with someone going through their own journey of grief, loss or other suckiness.
With being unfiltered, I need to go ahead and apologize to my mother that I might say words she doesn't approve of. I can already hear her "tsk'ing" in my head. My goal here is not trying to ruffle feathers or hurt people. I just want to be real on where I am at, and perhaps I can help others in sharing my story, my hurt and my broken heart.
Being transparent is hard for me because I have always felt like I need to be the "good little Christian girl" who always does the things expected of her. I am 100% a people pleaser, but where I am on my journey, I can't please everyone. Now, before you start worrying about me, I'm not going to do anything radical and go off the deep end or anything. I am just going to write honestly about how I am feeling and where I am.
Most of you know my story about how I lost my son one year, one month and 18 days ago shortly after he was born. This loss has turned my world upside down. It has been absolute hell in trying to figure out how to function and cope with my new normal. This blog is going to be messy. But perhaps this will be therapeutic for me and for others.
Bottom line, grief sucks.
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