I'm not okay, and that's okay

I'm not okay, and I have to be okay with that. 

It's a daily battle to figure out my new world.  It's tough and exhausting at times.  One day I feel like I am actually doing okay, and then something out of the blue occurs, and I am brought back to the reality that I'm not okay. 
 
I feel like my grief comes like waves.  Sometimes the waves are just lapping at my ankles, and I am aware that they are there.  Sometimes the waves are huge, and I am knocked on my ass from it's force.  The waves are unpredictable. 

I am not okay, and because of this, I need to take sometime for my heart to heal.  This Wednesday will be my last day at my current job.  I talked to my principal last week about not returning this fall.  This was one of the hardest decisions I've made, but I do feel that this is God's plan for me.  I do not know what the future holds, but I am looking forward to healing my heart.  I know that God will reveal His next plan for me when He's ready.  I am a big planner, so making this decision with zero back-up plans is tough, but it's where I need to be.

I am going to take this "sabbatical" and heal.  I know this is the best choice, but I will miss my wonderful Walker family.  They have been such a huge support over the past two years, and I feel like I am letting everyone down by not returning this fall.  I will miss seeing all my teachers and kiddos on a daily basis. 

In regards to what is next for me, I'm 100% not sure.  I might sub a few days during the week this fall, I might get involved in some ministry, I might write a book...  I feel like the options are endless, which is why Charles has challenged me to wait to plan anything until August.  This summer, I am taking this time to listen to God. 

I just need to be and heal. 

I need to be okay with not being okay.