the shack

I'm not exactly sure where to start.

I talked with my uncle earlier this year, and while in the midst of my grief, he recommended that I read The Shack.

For those of you who don't remember, The Shack is a book that was super popular about 6-7 years ago.  It's about a father who's daughter is kidnapped and murdered (that's not a spoiler because you learn that within the first few chapters), and then the rest of the book is about his journey through grief - or his "great sadness" - with God. 

After my uncle recommended the book, I ordered it that night but I never really got around to reading it.  I was having such a hard time dealing with my own junk, I didn't really want to sit around reading about someone else's junk (even if it is fiction). 

So, I avoided reading it.

I saw my uncle at our family reunion in June this summer, and again, he recommended that I read The Shack.

After that trip, I ended up having lunch with a dear friend who has also (unfortunately) gone through the lost of a child, and at the lunch, she recommended that I read none other than The Shack.

I took this as a sign.  So, I started reading it.  To be honest, I actually listened to the audio version to get as much out of the book as possible.  I am a fast reader, which means I'm a skimmer, and I really wanted to make sure I didn't miss anything.

The book was tough to read because it felt so applicable.  The conversations that Mack was having with God or Jesus or the Holy Spirit were words that have been on the tip of my tongue for the past year and a half.

Let me stop a second.  I fully admit that The Shack is NOT scripture.  I know this.  But I also believe that God can use ANYTHING to meet us where we are at in our lives to speak to us.  Just as a song on the radio can speak to us, I whole-heartedly believe that God used this book to speak to me and help heal my broken and aching heart. 

To be completely honest, for parts of my quiet time over the past few months, I have been listening to The Shack. Again, the book is not scripture, but the book brought healing and comfort.

The conversations of doubt, anger, frustration, pain, sadness, and joy that Mack was having were powerful.  I felt (and feel) exactly like Mack.  And I'm so thankful that our God is so patient with us as we try to understand more of who He is. 

The book helped me see God as the loving God that He is. He loves us so much. Amidst my anger and questions, His love is never changing. 

I'm still processing the many layers I uncovered in this book, so I'm pretty sure this is one of many blogs about my journey reading through The Shack. 

It was such a great book to meet me where I was (and am) at.  I'll dive into it deeper next time.

Until then.

tears.

Grief sucks.

 

I know I've said that before (and it probably won't be the last time I say it), but it does.

 

It literally sucks you back to the pain that is tucked away deep within.

 

Yes, I've made progress, and I feel like the crappy days are further apart, but when the grief hits out of nowhere, it still hurts.

 

And sometimes it might hurt worse because you don't expect it.

 

We went to the Bentonville High School football game last Friday night, because one of Charles' coworkers invited us to watch his son play. It was such a great night!  The weather was the most perfect football weather ever. 

 

It's strange though, out of nowhere in the middle of the 2nd quarter, I found myself fighting tears.  Not because anything was brought up about Jonathan, not because someone asked if we have children (which is always such a fun and awkward question to answer)....there was not an obvious  reason on why I was fighting tears.  But subtly, grief was reminding me that I would never get to be the proud mama at a high school football game (I'd like to think baseball, too). 

 

This is why grief sucks.  Because it comes completely out of nowhere.  The rest of the entire game, I was in a funk, and I was so bummed...fighting tears. 

 

I hate that.  It's the unexpected. 

 

And the crappy thing is that this will just be part of life now.  That sadness will be there through random events like a high school football game.  I have learned to anticipate the milestones like the first day of Kindergarten, or when Jonathan would have turned 16, or when he would have graduated from high school....but I never would have thought I would be crying at a high school football game.

 

Again, that's one of the main reasons why grief sucks.  ....and I'm sure that there will be plenty more reasons why as I continue on this journey. 

 

Although I've made such great progress over the past month or so, when the grief hits, and the pain stings, it still is so tough.  Even though I'm doing better on a day to day basis, I still have those moments that remind me that my arms are empty.  And those moments feel like fresh wounds.