It's been awhile since my last post. Some things have changed, while others really haven't.
I'm officially 22 weeks pregnant this Wednesday, which is a tad crazy... it has gone so quickly. Physically I'm feeling great, and little Zachary James is looking good as well.
Also, we are officially opened as an adopt-only home for the state of Arkansas. Not exactly sure what will be coming from all of this, but we are nervously excited about what our family could look like next year.
One thing that has remained constant is that grief still sucks.
...I'm beginning to wonder if that will just become a constant staple in my life...
After about six months off from counseling, I decided I probably needed to resume it again. Some days I felt like I was still making huge progress, while other weeks felt like I've regressed.
Surprisingly -- well, not actually -- my current pregnancy was just making (and still is making) my grief messy. As my due date approaches, I decided to go back to counseling to help keep my sanity.
One complex issue I'm dealing with is balancing the joys of a healthy pregnancy while still missing Jonathan.
Last week we had the BIG ultrasound to confirm that everything is looking good for Zachary, and everything does looks great! It was such a huge milestone because this was the appointment that Jonathan got diagnosed with Potter's Syndrome. It's interesting because I feel like this was a huge fork in our pregnancy. Instead of being hit by a wave of pain and sorrow like we were at Jonathan's appointment, we are now able to be fully excited and enjoy the last half of this pregnancy. This is something totally new and unchartered territory. It's a blessing that everything is so good, but the emotions are messy because I almost feel like with each healthy step for Zac, I'm losing a bit of my connection with Jonathan.
As I've said before, in some twisted way I find myself holding on to the pain from the loss of Jonathan because it is something that so closely connected me to him. Again, I hear how messed up that sounds.
I had my first baby shower ever (and it was wonderful!), but I found myself the night before in tears and heartbroken. It wasn't just that I was missing Jonathan more than normal. I think it was just another example of what never was with Jonathan...and then feeling guilty for getting to have one for Zac.
One thing I didn't realize is now that I'm showing, so many people and strangers want to start a conversation about whether or not this is my first. I know they are just making small talk, but sometimes the question leaves me feeling so awful. Sometimes if I don't want to open my heart, I answer that yes, this is my first. Then I almost immediately feel regret because I didn't acknowledge my first sweet born. But, if I answer honestly, it usually turns the conversation into something super awkward. It's really a lose-lose question that makes me feel bad afterwards. I just usually have to make a quick decision about which part of the bad I want to feel.
We got a new nephew this week. Which is exciting, but also so grief-filled. It's not that I'm not happy for my BIL and SIL, but it's their second, and the connection between their first and their second is so precious....and it's just another area of loss that hits me in the face. Sometimes it's the things we don't anticipate that hits us out of left field. It's no secret that I had a hard time with their first pregnancy, but all during their second, it was so much better. But as soon as he was born, and big brother met little brother, the cloud of funk rolled in for me. We won't get to have that moment with Jonathan and Zac in the hospital.
Grief is so frustrating because I'm tired of it getting in the way of relationships. Also, as time continues and our family grows with Zachary (and future kiddos), I feel like the patience of people is running thin when I identify that I'm having a hard time with the loss of Jonathan. It is never spoken, but sometimes I can feel it.
In addition to the constant struggle of joy and grief, through counseling I've identified how at bay I am keeping God. This is stemming from my need to control things and still dealing with my broken heart. There's a part of me where I feel like God let me down regarding everything with Jonathan, even though there has been so much redemption over the past two years. It's that weird part of grief where I know something to be true, but then it's so disconnected from how my gut feels. The fears I have with my current pregnancy feel like I'm keeping God at an arm's length. Don't get me wrong, I love Him and believe He is a good God, but I feel like I put an asterisk on the end of my relationship with Him to help protect my heart.
I promise you, the purpose of today's blog was not to be depressing. I just wanted to share how messy it all still is after two years. Ultimately, I really thought I would have been further with the progress of my grief, but as day to day life continues, I'm learning how many depths of grief there is....and it really is just messy.
