A few weeks ago, I found myself sitting at my parents' house on their porch swing...which is one of my favorite places ever. As I was sitting there on that gorgeous Spring day, Miss Charlotte was sleeping my arms, and Zac was picking up rocks and sticks in the yard with my mom. He kept turning around and showing me what he found with the biggest grin on his precious face. I had a thought that I hadn't thought in about four years:
My life is good.
This thought surprised me because I felt a level of content that I hadn't felt in years. It was (and is) true.
My life is good.
I genuinely felt that, and I thanked God for the blessings He had given me.
I feel like I have hit a new chapter in my ever-changing grief.
I am a mom of three beautiful children. The amount of love that I have for them is completely indescribable. What I feel when I see their precious smiles fills my heart with such joy. I am absolutely loving this stage of my life of being a mom.
It's still true that grief and joy are not mutually exclusive.
I feel that I am finally able to find joy amidst my grief. The Lord has provided different opportunities that have allowed me to love on others while grieving. I am able to empathize along with them. Through this, I am able to see the redemption of Jonathan's life. I hate that he isn't with us, but I love being able to help others by being able to understand loss from my own with Jonathan. It helps create some form peace for the purpose for his short life.
Yes, I still have my sad moments of missing my boy, Jonathan. Just yesterday, the messiness of grief emerged on Mother's Day when a stranger at the park simply asked me how many children I have. Fumbling over my words, I told her three, because I always want to include, remember, and acknowledge Jonathan. She then followed up with asking how old they are. In that split second before I responded, my heart skipped a beat with anxiety because I wasn't prepared for a follow up. At this point I was committed with my answer of three children, but the next few seconds I needed to decide if I just quickly state that Jonathan is (would be) 4, Zac 18 months and Charlotte 2 months, or do I backtrack and make the conversation turn awkward and state that my firstborn had passed...? As I proceeded to tell her 4, 18 months and 2 months, I then felt a shift in my mood as it obviously appeared that I only have two children with me. That grief cloud lingered throughout the rest of the day. It's sometimes unfair that a simple question from a kind stranger can carry so much weight.
As I said before, my grief is still there. I still have my good days and my bad days. But I finally feel like I am in a place of contentment that I haven't felt in quite sometime. I am thankful for God's Faithfulness as He has been patient during these past four years.
