During my last counseling session a couple weeks ago, I just sobbed the entire time. It had been awhile since my counseling sessions had gone like that. I felt like I had taken 12 steps backwards. I sobbed to my counselor, asking her if I've made any progress at all. I felt like I was back where I started on my grief journey.
But I feel like I can finally see the progress she said I have made.
Even though I see progress, just the other night I word-vomited a text to my cousin telling her how awful I felt from the day I just experienced.
I know that there will still be days when I will be in my "funk," and I'll still feel that twinge of pain, but I finally see it that I am healing. Grief comes in waves, and sometimes the waves still knock you over, but I feel like I can stand up now in between the waves crashing around me.
I can tell I'm healing, but I am not healed. I'm not sure if this wound will ever heal.
It doesn't help the wound to heal when another month goes by without seeing two lines on a stupid stick.
I was looking back on the start of my grief journey because over the past week or so, there has been so many new wounds and losses in my community. I tried to remember those first few weeks after Jonathan had passed, to help those around people who are hurting understand a few things they can do to help.
If you know someone going through loss, here are a few things off the top of my head that really meant a lot to me.
* Text them. I really appreciated encouraging texts from people. Even if I didn't respond, I truly felt encouraged by their kind words. It also is 100% okay to say that you don't know what to say. That is better than saying nothing at all.
* Be patient with them. There were many days I only had the capacity to be with Charles. I didn't want to see people. I couldn't afford to exert that extra energy in my other relationships outside of Charles.
* Offer to do something normal. About a week after Jonathan was born, and Charles went back to work, my sister picked me up to buy me some regular jeans that fit me. I could not deal emotionally wearing my maternity clothes, and I was no longer a size 8. We were only gone about an hour, but it felt so good to do something normal.
* Be around for the long haul. Grief is a long journey. For the first few weeks I was on autopilot. Once the weeks turned to months, and the firsts started rolling around (first Thanksgiving, first Christmas), it was those times when I needed my friends the most. The majority of people have great intentions for the first month or so, but we need people to stick it out with us in the trenches. And as previously mentioned, even if you are in the trenches with us, we might not text you back. Each first brings a new wave of grief.
* Say their child's name. This is tricky because there were (and are) times I wanted people to just mention Jonathan. But at the same time, there were days I didn't want to talk about him at all. This is where grief is so messy. Sorry, but it just is. You never know how you are going to feel, but it still feels nice to hear Jonathan's name mentioned. Just follow their lead if they want to continue talking about them or not.
* Be aware. Be aware of who you are with. If you are with a group of women who are all moms, and there is a mom who has experienced loss, be aware. It becomes extremely hard to hear all of the conversations about which formula you use or what diapers you are using. I know that these conversations are normal things to talk about, but I just ask that you be aware. Not only do I have nothing to contribute to the conversation, it just brings up all the pain that my arms are empty. In addition to being aware, be okay with them never coming to a baby shower for a really long time. I'm not sure when I'll ever attend one again.
* Make a meal or buy them groceries. Meals are a wonderful way to love on someone grieving. Offer to buy their groceries for them. Something as simple as going to the grocery store can be so overwhelming to a person grieving.
Now, there isn't a 10-step plan to help a grieving friend. And unfortunately, how a grieving mother feels can change hour by hour. Some moments all we want to do is talk about our precious baby....other moments, that the last thing we want to do, and we just want to talk about the latest Bachelor episode.
The biggest thing you can do is be patient with them. They don't understand what they are experiencing, so don't expect them to be able to tell you what they need. Even 498 days into my journey, although I have made progress, I still need grace from people. The waves are still there.
