Zachary James is here and is officially one week old!
Last Wednesday I was induced, and 16 hours later, our little bundle arrived.
This time around, labor was totally different with Zachary in comparison to Jonathan. After I got the epidural with Jonathan, I felt like it was a piece of cake! I was sitting up, chatting with people who came to visit. This time, I had a hard time handling the epidural, and my BP kept dropping really low...which means I felt so nauseous, so I ended up flat on my back most of the time with a cool rag on my forehead to feel some relief. In addition to the low BP, I started feeling all the contractions 12 hours in. We finally upped the epidural dose, but I was fearful it would drop my BP again. But in the end, I was fine.
I started pushing a bit after 9pm, and at 9:58pm, Zachary arrived!
Part of delivery and afterwards was a bit of deja vu, but overall I felt so much joy when I held Zachary for the first time. My heart was full knowing that I wasn't being handed my son with a ticking clock counting down the time.
I felt like I could breathe.
We decided to come home 24 hours later even though it was late, but we were ready sleep in our own beds and start this life together.
Towards the end of the pregnancy I couldn't wait to get home. This is what I was looking forward to the most! I had waited long enough to bring a child home with me. This was uncharted territory, and I couldn't wait for this to be reality.
...and you know what, bringing him actually home is even better than I imagined...
I am finally seeing how joy and grief aren't mutually exclusive though. Grief and joy can be so intertwined and be extremely messy. Throw some fun hormones in, and you've got yourself a party.
My doctor was right in expecting me to feel guilty at times when I'm taking care of Zachary. There are moments I find myself realizing how many things I missed out on with Jonathan. Part of me also feels like I'm moving on with Zachary and leaving Jonathan behind. Like I'm torn to either follow my growing, healthy son as each day passes, or stay put with where Jonathan remains.
Overall, Zachary really is the best baby. He eats and sleeps so well! By the way, Charles is a freakin' rockstar! He is so good with Zac, and he is the first to jump in and help if Zachary or I need anything. Charles has been such a good balance for me, and it is so freeing having a husband who is wise and compassionate as we are figuring out this parenting thing.
The biggest struggle right now are my hormones. I feel pretty good throughout the day, but by early evening, I am usually in tears for one reason or another. And unfortunately that seems to last for the remainder of the night.
In addition, I am finding myself feeling guilty and pressured from people wanting to visit and see Zachary. Charles and I had decided to hunker down these first two weeks and not really have any visitors as we settle in as a family of three. But I still find myself feeling pressure to let people come into our sacred world. I know people are excited to celebrate with us, but I feel guilty when I can't respond to people by inviting them over to meet Zac.
This is where is gets even more complicated.
Based off of counseling, my anxiety is being fueled into the safety and security of Zachary's well-being. Add hormones to an already germaphobic person, and you get an irrational momma who doesn't want people to be around him in fear of him getting sick and me losing him. The thought of having someone come over throws me into a panic which is normally accompanied by tears and sobs.
In addition to the fear of germs and the guilt of not letting people visit, the trifecta is that at the end of the day I don't want to share him with anyone.
He's mine.
I've waited so long to have him here, holding him in my arms, in our home, that I don't want to share him with anyone. I want to have him all to myself. Even when I do share or post pictures, it feels like I am giving away a piece of my heart that I'm so desperately trying to cling to.
I'm not ready to share him with people. I've waited too long and he's finally here.
Again hormones plus grief is a messy, messy thing.
I'm not saying that the above thoughts are logical or anything, but that's where I'm at. If you want to visit, please be patient with me. I know I need to work through these things and not live in fear, but for now I need continue to give myself grace, take one day at a time, let my hormones balance out and love my sweet Zachary the best that I can.
