I've been feeling a lot of pressure recently. Granted, most of it is me putting the pressure on myself.
As Zachary's due date is getting closer and closer, I have found myself getting more stressed out about upcoming decisions....however minor they might be.
I think a lot of the pressure is me not wanting to "screw up" with Zachary. I think part of this stems from losing Jonathan, and here I am with another opportunity, and I can't mess up.
In my past few counseling sessions, I have realized that I don't give myself enough grace. If I fail at something, I automatically label myself a failure. There is no middle ground.
I anticipate a new layer of grief to present itself as I go through labor and delivery again. I also anticipate that grief to linger in the upcoming months with Zachary, because I will be mourning the fact that I didn't get to go any of these things for or with Jonathan.
At the end of the day, I want to be the best mom for Zachary, and I want to do everything right...because he'll actually come home with us...because I actually have the opportunity to do so.
Alright, alright -- I know how unrealistic it is to be perfect. And know I will fail at trying to do this...because perfect isn't possible. But I can try to be the best mom I can be, failures and all.
I'm also feeling pressured to do things the way other people have done them. But I have to be okay if those things aren't best for me, Charles and Zachary. There might be a few unconventional things that we plan on doing, but it might be the best fit for us.
...It might be the best thing for us to do for our healing hearts.
I have to be okay with putting myself and my family first in these decisions. I have to be okay if friends and family don't understand, they think I'm being rude or they disagree altogether. But I can't apologize for being someone that I'm not or having a need that I need to take care of.
My counselor threw my own advice back at me this week during our session when I was telling her how I was feeling selfish: "Sometimes you need to put your oxygen mask on first."
(referencing what flight attendants tell you if you are flying with a child)
Sometimes you do need to put your oxygen mask on first...and that's okay. That's okay to take care of yourself, so you can take care of those around you. For a people pleaser, this can sometimes be a challenge.
One huge area I'm debating on is breastfeeding. Without getting into all the details on why or why not, we might end up solely doing formula. This honestly might be the best option for me, Charles and Zachary.
Another decision we've made is about visitors and houseguests. I have no idea what to expect after we get home, but I cannot wait to treasure up the sacred moments of just Charles, myself and Zachary. It brings tears to my eyes when I think of this time together...being home...just the three of us.
For the first couple of weeks while Charles gets paternity time, we plan on getting a lot of quality time, just the three of us. My heart needs this time. My heart needs this time to heal and be filled with joy.
I'm not trying to be unrealistic...I know there will be challenges during the first few weeks. But as a mom who left the hospital last time with empty arms, bring it on. Bring on that time, the good and the bad...and the healing.
And after those two weeks, who knows how my heart will be. Perhaps we will need more of that sacred, quality time. Perhaps we will want all the visitors who can come to do so. We have no idea what to expect, and that's okay.
For those of you who are in the area and want to visit, just send us a text, and we will let you know where we are at during that time. Perhaps we will welcome the company and want to share the joy of Zachary. And perhaps the next day would be a better time for a visit.
Honestly, I feel selfish for setting this boundary, but the end of the day, I need grace for myself as I put my oxygen mask on first.
