I had a great counseling appointment yesterday. As I was summarizing how I have been the past couple weeks, my counselor acknowledged how good I looked....meaning I looked brighter, happier, lighter.
I agreed that I felt better all around...minus the baby weight I still need to lose.
Previously we had discussed how my wound with Jonathan had put me me in ICU for the past three years. In the room with me was only Charles. My family and friends weren't even allowed in the hospital. And Jesus was only allowed just outside my room, on the other side of the closed curtain.
While being in ICU, I have had to keep myself safe, secure, healthy and protected....allowing only Charles in. He was the only one who understood. He was the only one I could trust. He was the only one I have felt safe with.
Because of this, I have kept visitors at bay. I've kept friends at bay. I've kept relationships at bay.
My deep, painful wound needed to heal.
I feel like these past three months with Zachary has brought much healing.
As I wrote last time, I've been on repeat for the past three years on a track, repeating pregnancy and loss over and over again. But now with Zac, I've broken away and am creating a new path on a new road. I'm not on repeat anymore. I'm actually healing.
And healing doesn't look like replacing. And healing doesn't mean that I'm healed. But I am slowly seeing a scar form over the gaping wound that once was.
Now that I am not in the ICU anymore, I find myself having the strength to reconnect with friends and family around me.
Along with the healing, I'm still working on fear of Zac dying. I'm still afraid of him getting sick and dying. I know in my head that germs are good for him and his immune system, but deep in my gut, I ache to protect him, in fear that he will be taken from me.
I am working on carving out new ruts with my fear of germs. For the past three years I've clung to control and fear and carved deep grooves of germophobia. The ruts from the past three years are deep. And it's mentally exhausting to cut out new ruts that allow me freedom from my fear of germs, but I'm slowly trying. It will take time to carve new ones to replace the current ones.
The love that I have Zac is so much, it's unexplainable. I love him so much that he is my motivation to work on my fears because I do not want to pass them on to him. I don't want him to grow up in my fearful world. For him, I would do anything. And right now, breaking my OCD with germs and fear is what I'm working on. It might be two steps forward and one step back, but it is still progress. This process needs to be filled with Grace for myself, but I know I can eventually get there.
My fear of germs really comes down to me not trusting Jesus. I've felt that Jesus really let me down with Jonathan's death. That's why even Jesus wasn't allowed inside the ICU room. He had to stay outside. For the past three years I've kept Jesus at arms length because I didn't trust Him...that I don't trust Him.
My counselor gave me an exercise to do for the past few months. I have a mason jar in our living room, and every time I feel or see Jesus move in some way - big or small - I put a marble in the jar. Being a visual learner, I have something that physically reminds me of God's Goodness. His Faithfulness.
With each marble, my trust in Him is growing.
Even though I haven't conquered my fear of germs and control. I'm working on it day by day, hour by hour.
He is Faithful and full of Grace. And my mason jar is almost full.
