It's Not You, It's Me

I find myself feeling like I'm not really good at friendships.  Feeling a bit lonely.  But at the same time, not motivating myself enough to step out and connect.  

I know like everything in life, things come and go like seasons.  Some people are in your life for a season.  And the next, they're not.  I'm trying to be okay with that.  

Perhaps it's because I'm an introvert and exhausted after taking care of Z all day.  Wanting to connect with another being is not energizing to me.  I'm tired.  I don't like small talk.  A person will reach out here or there, but I'm tired.  

Perhaps it's because I withdraw during my pregnancies.  For some reason, I tend to pull away from everyone during these nine months.  Maybe it's a defense mechanism that allows me to protect myself from letting others down if I lose another child.  Maybe it's because I'm in survival mode the entire time.  I'm just trying to survive my fears of another loss.  

Perhaps it's because I am at a different stage of life and am on a baby's schedule.  I'm one of the later ones of my friends that have a baby (with another on the way).  I am currently on his naptime schedule.  I plan my days around what he can handle.  And some days it's easiest to just stay home and not venture out.  I've never been a good hostess, so having people over sounds like so much work. 

Perhaps it's because I'm still grieving J, and people don't understand. Maybe they think I should be over it by now.  Maybe I feel judged.

Perhaps it's me.

Perhaps it's not just me. 

Perhaps other mom's feel the same way.  

The good. The bad. The tired.

I'm tired.

I'm tired of health issues.

I'm tired of family drama.

I'm tired of being tired. 

I'm tired of feeling like I'm not good enough based off people judging my decisions. 

I'm tired of just feeling like I'm surviving.

I'm tired of a crying baby when he should be sleeping. 

I'm just plain tired:
mind
body and 
soul.

...I know having an almost 10 month old and being 8 weeks pregnant doesn't help...

Ultimately, I know my own soul health can really play a huge role in how I'm feeling.  To be completely honest, my soul's not doing so well.  There's still a barrier between God and me.  It's not a 6 foot cinder-block wall that has been present in the past, but even a 2 foot picket fence can still be a barrier.  

When I boil my relationship with God down, it is clear that is the issue is that I don't trust Him.  Don't get me wrong, I believe in Him as my Savior, but I'm still wagging my finger at time as to say "don't let me down, again" when I pray.  I know that He didn't actually "let me down," but it's hard to get past that feeling deep within my gut.  

I have a lot of head-knowledge about the truths of who God is, but my gut isn't aligning with the truths that I know.  Because of this, I've created this barrier that allows me to be in control.  Because I trust myself.  

It's exhausting.

I want to be free.  Freedom is a big word I discuss in counseling.  I long for freedom.  I want the weight off my shoulders.  I want rest.  Even as I type this out the verses Matthew 11:28-30 come to mind: 

28 "Come to me, all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

Again, I KNOW it (head-knowledge), and I want it, but I get stuck along the way.  There's a deep valley of pain and lack of trust that I've built from my grief.

I truly long for that rest.  I know He is there just patiently waiting for me to take His yoke.  I know I'm tired.  I know His yoke is easy.  

I know how I want the outcome, but I'm just having a hard time getting out of my own way.  And it's tiring.