I find myself feeling like I'm not really good at friendships. Feeling a bit lonely. But at the same time, not motivating myself enough to step out and connect.
I know like everything in life, things come and go like seasons. Some people are in your life for a season. And the next, they're not. I'm trying to be okay with that.
Perhaps it's because I'm an introvert and exhausted after taking care of Z all day. Wanting to connect with another being is not energizing to me. I'm tired. I don't like small talk. A person will reach out here or there, but I'm tired.
Perhaps it's because I withdraw during my pregnancies. For some reason, I tend to pull away from everyone during these nine months. Maybe it's a defense mechanism that allows me to protect myself from letting others down if I lose another child. Maybe it's because I'm in survival mode the entire time. I'm just trying to survive my fears of another loss.
Perhaps it's because I am at a different stage of life and am on a baby's schedule. I'm one of the later ones of my friends that have a baby (with another on the way). I am currently on his naptime schedule. I plan my days around what he can handle. And some days it's easiest to just stay home and not venture out. I've never been a good hostess, so having people over sounds like so much work.
Perhaps it's because I'm still grieving J, and people don't understand. Maybe they think I should be over it by now. Maybe I feel judged.
Perhaps it's me.
Perhaps it's not just me.
Perhaps other mom's feel the same way.
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