The good. The bad. The tired.

I'm tired.

I'm tired of health issues.

I'm tired of family drama.

I'm tired of being tired. 

I'm tired of feeling like I'm not good enough based off people judging my decisions. 

I'm tired of just feeling like I'm surviving.

I'm tired of a crying baby when he should be sleeping. 

I'm just plain tired:
mind
body and 
soul.

...I know having an almost 10 month old and being 8 weeks pregnant doesn't help...

Ultimately, I know my own soul health can really play a huge role in how I'm feeling.  To be completely honest, my soul's not doing so well.  There's still a barrier between God and me.  It's not a 6 foot cinder-block wall that has been present in the past, but even a 2 foot picket fence can still be a barrier.  

When I boil my relationship with God down, it is clear that is the issue is that I don't trust Him.  Don't get me wrong, I believe in Him as my Savior, but I'm still wagging my finger at time as to say "don't let me down, again" when I pray.  I know that He didn't actually "let me down," but it's hard to get past that feeling deep within my gut.  

I have a lot of head-knowledge about the truths of who God is, but my gut isn't aligning with the truths that I know.  Because of this, I've created this barrier that allows me to be in control.  Because I trust myself.  

It's exhausting.

I want to be free.  Freedom is a big word I discuss in counseling.  I long for freedom.  I want the weight off my shoulders.  I want rest.  Even as I type this out the verses Matthew 11:28-30 come to mind: 

28 "Come to me, all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

Again, I KNOW it (head-knowledge), and I want it, but I get stuck along the way.  There's a deep valley of pain and lack of trust that I've built from my grief.

I truly long for that rest.  I know He is there just patiently waiting for me to take His yoke.  I know I'm tired.  I know His yoke is easy.  

I know how I want the outcome, but I'm just having a hard time getting out of my own way.  And it's tiring.