eff it

I am angry. 

I have a lot of anger.

And then I am angry about my anger.

I feel like of all of the stages of grief, anger is the one that I have been dealing with the longest.  I feel stuck.  I thought that once I experienced all of the "firsts" (first holidays, birthday, etc.), I would feel better and not be as angry.  But that actually isn't the case, and I still have a lot of anger. 

I am angry Jonathan isn't here. 
I am angry that I don't have a baby.
I am angry that I don't know when I'll have a baby again.
I am angry that everyone and their dog is pregnant or just had a baby.
I am angry that people don't understand (but also thankful they don't get it).
I am angry that I have to figure out my "new" normal.
I am angry I still have 30lbs of baby weight to lose.
I am angry that I am an emotional eater.
I am angry I still can't wear my wedding rings.
I am angry at God.
I am angry at people on Facebook.
I am angry that I feel so isolated.
I am angry that I hurt so bad.

I am angry.

I could honestly sit here and just continue this list for miles.  There are a lot of things that I am angry at.  Don't get me wrong, I also have joy and happiness in my life.  But grief is just complicated, and my emotions are all over the place all the time.  Charles often reminds me though that "grief and joy are not mutually exclusive."  I know that I have a ton of blessings in my life, but that doesn't make the anger and pain go away.  The complicatedness of grief is what makes me feel like I am going crazy on a day to day basis. 

One thing that I have done to cope with my anger is cuss.  Yep, as juvenile as that sounds, it does help.  If it's between cussing or punching someone in the face, and I think cussing is the better choice of the two. 

If a baby commercial or a pregnancy test commercial comes on while watching tv, I often find myself just sitting there flipping the tv off.  Yep, that's a proud moment.  There are many days that I have to hold myself back and refrain from changing my Facebook profile picture to me flipping everyone off. 

One of my friends (who has gone through her own horrific loss of a child) and I went on a rant around the holidays about how we are dealing with our grief.  We came up with a slogan: "Eff It."  By the end of the week, I had designed a shirt, and she cross-stitched a pillow for herself.  When my anger and pain becomes so extreme, sometimes the only thing to describe how I feel is: "Eff It."   

Even that cat mirrors how pissed off I am at times.  I truly love this shirt. 

One thing that really gets me fired up is when people come up to me and say the phrase, "Oh, I understand..."  And no matter what the rest of their statement is, I can feel myself already getting angry.  This is the WORST phrase to hear.  Unless your only child died four hours after he was born in your arms, you had a miscarriage ten months later which required you to have not one, but TWO D&C's, you don't understand.  And the people who do "get it" when it comes to dealing with grief, are the ones that are the first to say that they don't get it.  Honestly, sometimes Charles doesn't even get it.  Even though Jonathan was our son, our individual journey through grief is different. 

All loss is hard, and the variations of loss cannot be measured.  Grief is heart-wrenching no matter what your loss is that you face. Grief just plain SUCKS.  While we are grieving, we don't need for people to try to find some common thread.  Sometimes you just need a hug, or chocolate, or for someone to say that it really sucks what you are going through.  And sometimes, "eff it" is the best way to sum it all up.