crazy.

I feel crazy.  I often wonder if I need to be on meds.

Grief can make you feel like you are absolutely losing your mind.

I know that I am my hardest critic, and when it comes to grief, that hasn't changed.  I feel like I should be feeling better than I actually do.  Sometimes I think I am stuck, and I can't figure out what I need to do get better.  Do I need more time?  Or is this what my life is now?  What is the truth? 

Grief is messy.  That's one truth.

I know I need to cut myself some slack, and give myself grace when it comes to feeling like I am stuck in my grief.  I just want to make sure I do things the right way, and there is no right way.  I want to check grief off my list.

I had a great conversation this weekend, and I was reminded that I am the one in control of my behaviors.  I've been chewing on this thought for the past few days.  I am in control of how I react to the actions before me.  And this is true with my journey with Jonathan.  But part of me can't fully wrap my mind around the truth that I am in control of all my behaviors.  The heart and the mind don't always line up.  I can tell myself the truth, and know something, but sometimes I feel like my heart just aches, the pain takes over, and the emotions are out of control.  I'm human.

I do want to be happier...most of the time.  I know this sounds awful, but there is a part of me that almost clings to the pain because it's part of the connection I have with Jonathan.  Oh, I hear how messed up that sounds.  With each passing day, it just reminds me that it is longer and longer since I last held him in my arms.  I know that Jonathan isn't the pain, but it's still a connection.

Granted, the flip side is that with each day, we are closer to eternity, where we will be together forever.  

See, that's where the craziness comes to play.  So many thoughts bombard me, contradicting themselves.

Another thing I took away from the weekend conversation is that I can choose to be happy.   I can make decisions to help me become happier.  It could be taking a spin class, or it could be getting coffee with some friends, or it could be knowing my own limits and saying "no" to a gathering.  

I want to feel better, but part of me wonders what I am waiting for.  Is this it?  Is what I feel on a daily basis the new-normal?  If it is, then perhaps I need to pull myself up and power through.  

Grief is messy and sucks.