it's complicated

My relationship with God is interesting and complicated.

I definitely feel like it's changed over the past 19 months. 

Even though I feel like my relationship changes, He is constantly the same.

As previously mentioned, I have been angry and I am angry with God.  My anger stems from me feeling like He let me down with Jonathan dying.  I know that He could have saved him and given us a miracle.  But that isn't what happened.  I struggle with finding joy in Him allowing my son to die.  I know that God has been and is 100% in control, but that doesn't take the pain away.  I'm still human.  I'm still a hurting mom. 

But that doesn't mean that I am not comforted by Him or that I don't see His hand in things.  His strength is the ONLY thing that has helped me to survive.  He is my HOPE (Jer. 29:11).

I have also struggled with doing the "right" thing and have a consistent quiet time with God.  If I'm a "good, little Christian girl," I will have a daily quiet time.  I know that I am not saved by works, but part of me feels like I need to do this still.  It's a daily task I need to check off my list.  But let me be honest.  I actually read my Bible for the first time this week in the last 19 months...and that is a hard sentence to type out and admit. 

One main reason I didn't open my Bible is because it hurt too much.  I am already dealing with my grief in the normal activities of life, but to choose to sit in silence and sit in my pain was too much to handle.  I have been in survival mode, and I honestly don't think I could handle more pain.  I didn't want to go there.

I knew (and know) that God is faithful.  When I think of my relationship with God, I picture Him patiently sitting next to me just waiting for me.  I know He is there.  He's just been waiting on me. 

We used to sing a song in youth group called: "If I Could Just Sit With You" -- and this is exactly how I feel my relationship with God is like.  Here's the chorus:

"If I could just sit with You a while, if You could just hold me
Nothing could touch me though I'm wounded, though I die
If I could just sit with You a while, I need You to hold me
Moment by moment, 'till forever passes by"

I'm wounded, and He's just sitting here with me.  He's not going anywhere, and that's okay.  He's just waiting on me as I'm healing. 

Now that I have cracked open my Bible, I am not saying that I've finally healed....but I am slowly making progress.  I don't think I will ever be 100% healed from losing Jonathan, but I am trying to figure out my new normal.  God is faithful as I figure this out, and He'll continue to show me His plans for me.  I can't wait to see how He plans to use Jonathan's story.  I've been able to see glimpses here and there of Him already using my son, and that brings me so much joy. 

God is faithful.  He has been and will continue to sit with me as I continue on my path of grief.