Isolating

Y'all - it's been a hard couple of weeks. 

I have been anticipating and dreading the start of the school year this fall, but I didn't know it would be as hard as it was.

When we lossed Jonathan, you start to think of the milestones you will will also lose... kindergarten, 16th birthday, high school graduation... Those are some big ones.

Every start of school has been hard since 2014, and even if Jonathan wasn't school age, for some reason August was always a tough time. 

But this was the year. The big one. And I wasn't prepared for how hard it would hit me.

These last couple of weeks, the depression and anger that I have felt has been so much. It hasn't been as strong as when we lossed Jonathan, but it has been the worst I have felt since then.

Because it's been so strong, I've been having a hard time bouncing back from it. 

In a couple of weeks, I plan on getting back into counseling. It's been awhile since I've been, and I think it's a good idea to pick it back up. 

It just sucks. And on top of the pain, it felt so isolating. While all my other mom friends were excited to send their kiddos off to school, I felt like I just wanted to punch everyone in the face. It wasn't anything that they were doing. It was 100% me and where I was (am) at. 

It's so isolating because I don't want to crap on their parade by waving my hand saying, "Remember me?? My son died five years ago, and should have been starting school too..." 

I know my friends are there for me (and I have since talked to them on how I'm doing), but grief can be so isolating. 

In the midst of feeling so low, God reached out and used me. It almost made me laugh because how I was feeling didn't surprise Him, and He wanted me to continue to share my story. I was exactly where He wanted me to be. 

I've said it before and I'll probably say it again, but grief is messy. It's so unpredictable, but it's where I am at. It's part of my story. And God is using my story.