Missing Piece

There is so much hurt and pain around us.

As I look back on the last couple of weeks, I feel like I've been bombarded with news of loss and grief.

After encountering your own experience if grief, you are awaken to the amount of loss that is truly around us.

I am sitting here with tears in my eyes as I see the hurt around me, as well as feel my own pain.

Sometimes my pain is still debilitating even 5 years later.

I (still) know that God is good. And He is faithful, but pain still hurts.

As summer wraps up, and school starts back into full swing, my heart aches for my firstborn. He too would have been starting Kindergarten this fall. But unlike most around me, I won't be able to post a "First Day of Kindergarten" picture of my boy standing on my porch.

Would he be nervous?

Would he be excited?

Would I have to bribe him to smile?

Would he be a helper in class?

Would he be the class clown?

Just add them to the list of unanswered questions.

I frequently think of - and miss - Jonathan.  I don't even know how many times in a day I think of him because I lose count.

I've noticed that as Zac and Charlotte get older, I wonder more and more about what Jonathan would have been like or what he would be playing with that same moment?

Would he bravely jump off the diving board, as we have a family pool day?

Or would he be the kid that just wants the yummy snacks on the side of the pool?

It's hard for my Mama's heart to have so many unanswerable questions. It just constantly reminds me that a part of my heart is missing.