Panicked

I feel panicked. 

Little Miss Charlotte will be here in 12 days, and I feel panicked. 

I fully feel ready for her grand entrance. Her room is ready.  Bottles have been washed.  Diapers and wipes are handy. Her drawers are fully stocked.  And I'm not too nervous about delivery.  

And yet I feel panicked. 

In these last few days I find myself overwhelmed with fear and anxiety regarding germs.  Yes, my germaphobeness is in full force.  

I have been praying for peace and for God to protect us.  I have been praying for TRUTH in this situation.  But my fear has debilitating. 

I know it comes down to control and trust. 

As delivery gets closer, I can't help but relive my delivery with Jonathan.  Even though Jonathan passed due to a genetic issue and not because of sickness or something going extremely wrong, the fear of loss is still present.  

I'm not afraid of the flu.  I'm afraid of Zac getting the flu, being hospitalized, and then dying. I'm afraid that I'll get the flu, which then causing harm to Charlotte, causing her to die. 

Before Jonathan, my thoughts wouldn't go to the extreme of death.  I wouldn't have thought twice that my child would die.  But after experiencing that death with Jonathan, I unfortunately understand that death can be a very real outcome. And that's automatically where my fears take my thoughts regarding Zachary...and now Charlotte. 

It's exhausting to be living in this realm of fear.  

I feel crazy at times.  If I actually shared my minute by minute thoughts, you'd think I was crazy. 

I know that I've made progress through counseling and facing my fears head on.  I also know that this has been an awful flu/sick season.  Sometimes it's two steps forward, and then three steps back.  Right now I feel like I've taking a few steps back from the process I've made, but I also know that I am having a baby in a couple of weeks. I know I need Grace for myself during this season.  I know that there will be a day where I'll take steps forward and make some good progress again.  But until that day, I need to tell myself the Truth and give myself some extra Grace.