Dear Chris Carrabba,

Dear Chris Carrabba,*
*and other doubting Thomases

You don't know me, and I don't know you. I mean, I know what you do, but I don't truly know who you are and your heart. 

Let me introduce myself: My name is Susan, and my husband and I live in Arkansas with our three dogs. I am also the mother of a precious little boy who died too soon after birth.

Last night, I stumbled on a video interview of you, and they asked you a question regarding faith and your music. Your response touched my heart. You talked about wanting "doubtless faith," and having the "freedom to be happy." Later in your answer, you referred to yourself as a "doubting Thomas." I'm not exactly sure when the interview was, but I'm curious if you've found that faith that you said you desired?

My faith is in Jesus, and I have a personal relationship with Him. Life can be hard, and sometimes it just plain sucks. But I agree with you, that my focus is eternity.

Even though I have this faith, and I know the ending is eternity, I still doubt and have questions. I think that's normal. My faith in Jesus doesn't make everything in my life perfect, and I am not happy all the time. I'm still human living in this tough world. 

Believing in Him doesn't make me immune to pain and suffering. 

I love Jesus, and believing what He did on the cross for me for eternity gives me hope and joy. In the midst of my pain and grief, I have hope in Him. Even in my despair, I can find my joy in Him. I know that I can face the day, and even sometimes just the next hour, because of that hope.

Again, my life is far from perfect, and it definitely hasn't gone as I planned, but I cling to my hope in Jesus. 

As I write this, I am still in the trenches of grief a year and a half later, and with that comes anger.  That anger is sometimes directed towards God. I am angry that He didn't save my son when He absolutely could have. But even though I am angry with Him, that doesn't change my hope or who He is. My anger doesn't change His relationship with me. He is still with me through it all. 

He loves me, and there's nothing I can do to change that. 

You might never actually read this, but if you do, cool. If you want to know more about Jesus or want to share your story, the door is open. 

Know that you are being prayed for.

-Susan