update

I feel like there are three areas in my life that I am compartmentalizing: Jonathan, pregnancy, and adoption.

Yes, there are still many moments of grief I still have. It definitely doesn't help with April 1st around the corner.

We celebrated Charles' birthday, then mine...and then it's the count down to Jonathan's. When I woke up March 7th, it definitely hit me in the face.

Our church did a video on us and Jonathan's story. It was tough to be so vulnerable, but I find strength knowing God is still using Jonathan. It brings me comfort.

Navigating grief is still so hard when it's unexpected.

Along with the reoccurring grief, introvertedness and morning sickness, I feel like I am kinda sucking at friendships right now. I know I'm probably being too hard on myself, but I do not have a lot of extra energy to give.

It doesn't help with where I am at: I'm still in limbo with my stage of life. Even two years later, I still have a hard time relating to my friends who are moms. By the way, 99.99% of my friends are moms. Yes, I'm pregnant now, but that doesn't solve anything. I'm still in limbo.

This is one of the areas of my life where grief has really messed up.

On top of grief, I'm pregnant. That's a biggy. It's already been a struggle trying to enjoy this pregnancy. I'm definitely more pessimistic than optimistic in general, and perhaps it's also me trying to protect my heart.

I asked my cousin, who has gone through her own loss, when it gets easier with a new pregnancy. Her response:
"Ummmmmm 😬😳😂"

Awesome.

I guess this is how the "new normal" is still being defined in my life.

I'm trying to enjoy this pregnancy as much as I can...the morning sickness/all day sickness sometimes hinders that joy. With Jonathan, I planned on mapping everything out regarding nursery and registry once we found out the gender, so I am not behind or anything this time around, but still, I need to break down the barriers around my heart and allow myself to get excited. I have to make the choice to do so.

One way we embraced the pregnancy was by picking out baby names this weekend. That was nice to allow myself that excitement. FYI - the names are super cute!

Everything is going well so far with Baby G -- the ultrasounds have shown a strong heartbeat. Although it's too early to tell, I already know it's a girl.

Then on to topic number three: adoption.

We wrapped up our training in February, and now we are just waiting for our home study. It could be another couple of months before we are officially open.

The training was wonderful! It was so encouraging seeing God work through all of the families at the training! I really began to see the calling God has for us and our family. It's almost like being a local missionary to the broken hearts in our community.

It might sound a bit crazy to be apart of the adoption/fostering world, and some people might not understand, but we know we are in good company.

Honestly, I do feel a bit overwhelmed with the idea of adoption. I think that healthy. I know that God will provide a family for us, and trusting in Him gives me peace in the uncertainty. Which is hard at times because I am a control person.

The easy thing to do is to stop the adoption and focus on my pregnancy. But big picture: it's not about us. In addition, Charles and I both feel it's still an open door. I know we are going to adopt one day, and perhaps that day will happen this year, next year, or in five years. We don't know exactly when, but we are still seeking God for His timing.

God has it all under control. His has a plan that is better than mine. I'm not sure what that plan is, but I do know He is a GOOD God.

https://vimeo.com/155900665

a little about us.

This past week we had meetings with two different avenues for our adoption process.  In all honesty, both meetings did not go as we expected and left us feeling a bit discouraged.  The lawyer we met with strongly encouraged us to get our information out to friends and family that we are adopting.  Below is a little about us and our story.  If you feel led, please share our story, and join us on this journey as God continues to lead our path of growing our family.

 

To sum us up: we love Jesus, our dogs and the St. Louis Cardinals baseball team.

 

First and foremost, we love Jesus.  Our personal relationships with Him is where we draw our strength and wisdom for us and our family.  We are actively involved with our church, and we currently are leaders for our community group.  Charles and I both grew up in a Christian home and plan on raising our family the same way.

 

We have three dogs, and absolutely love the joy that they bring to our family.  We've had Bella (Beagle) for almost seven years, Pippa (Westie) for three years, and this summer we got Yadi-Bear (Goldendoodle). 

 

 

We are huge St. Louis Cardinals baseball fans!  With Charles growing up in St. Louis, he has always been a Cardinals fan.  I married into it, but I have fully accepted the lifestyle.  We try to catch a couple games during the season when we visit family in the St. Louis area.

 

 

As I mentioned, Charles grew up in St. Louis, Missouri.  He grew up in a large family, and he is number four of seven children.  I (Susan) grew up in Siloam Springs, Arkansas.  I am the youngest of three girls. 

 

Charles and I met at John Brown University my junior year and his freshmen year.  Charles studied business, and I studied Family and Human Services.  We dated for a year and a half, and we got married the December after I graduated. 

 

Seven years later here we are. 

 

 

To describe us, Charles likes to say we are "Team Chusan!"  Yes, we even have a secret handshake. We are a bit corny, but we like to have a good time.  Charles is very outgoing and extraverted. He loves the social setting and business world.  He's such a hard-worker and is always willing to go the extra mile to get the job done.  I am a bit more quiet and introverted in a social setting.  I enjoy getting together with a friend over coffee and getting some good quality time.  Charles has worked in the corporate world since graduation from college, and the past four years, I have worked at a local elementary school.  We both love humor, spending time with friends, hanging out at house with our dogs, traveling to visit family, eating good food and chocolate. 

 

A couple of years ago, we decided to start our family.  We quickly got pregnant with our son Jonathan.  But unfortunately, we found out at 21 weeks that Jonathan had Potter's Syndrome, and he never developed kidneys.  This is 99.99% fatal.  I carried him to 36 weeks, and we had the most wonderful 4 hours of our lives.  He was born on April 1, 2014 and passed on April 2, 2014. 

 

After Charles and I started healing from our loss, we decided to continue to grow our family.  After a few months of trying, I got pregnant again.  Unfortunately, a year ago we loss our second baby at 11 weeks.  Since that loss, we have been trying to grow our family. 

 

Last month we have decided to grow our family through adoption.  On December 9th (which was the 2 year anniversary of when we learned of Jonathan's diagnosis), I was doing my quiet time before work and it was about taking risks, following God's plan and not living comfortably.  It was like I was hearing the word "adoption!" as I was reading the devotional.  I then called Charles on the way to work to let him know that I was 99.99% sure we were supposed to adopt.  He then told me that that morning during his quiet time he wrote and asked that God would give us a child.  He quickly realized that that didn't necessarily mean I'd get pregnant.  It is so encouraging to see God's hand as He is clearly creating the desire for us to grow our family in this way.

We'd love to bring a newborn into our home.  We have the love in our hearts and space in our home for a precious baby.  We are trusting that God has a plan for us that is better than our own, and we aren't sure what His plan is, but we know He is a Good and Faithful. 

 

If you or someone you know is looking for a family for adoption, we'd love to start a conversation.  Please contact us at OurGreathouseFamily@gmail.com.  



adoption

When Charles and I first got married, I mentioned that I wanted to adopt one day.  He wasn't too open to the idea, and he preferred to have our own children.  After that conversation, I just prayed that if we were to adopt, that God would change Charles' heart and Charles would lead our family by bringing up the topic.

Fast forward to spring 2015.  While processing our loss of Jonathan, the idea of adoption kept popping up.  We didn't seriously discuss it, but we knew it could be an option for our family.

Over the past few months, we've seen God use families who have adopted to open our hearts to adoption.  One Sunday afternoon in October, Charles and I were eating at Chuy's when Charles asked, "What do you think about adoption for our family?" This was the first time we seriously discussed it. I also pointed out that he had come a long way from when we first got married.  It was cool to see how God answered my prayer, and Charles was leading our family in regards to adoption. 

When Charles brought up the topic, surprisingly, I was the one with an issue.  I didn't want to adopt.  I want to have my own babies.  Simple as that.  So we decided to pray separately about it.

We have been trying to continue to grow our family since May, but we haven't had much luck.  I contacted my doctor in November, and she recommended that if I still wasn't pregnant by January, we'd start on the path of infertility treatments.  For some reason, that didn't sit well with me.  I've gotten pregnant twice already, and I don't really want to do infertility treatments.  I don't think that there is anything wrong with them, but at this point in my life, I don't really feel like that's what we should do. 

Then December 9th came.  The two year anniversary of Jonathan's diagnosis. Not only was it December 9th, but that day it was officially confirmed I wasn't pregnant for that month.  Boy, that day was starting off great! 

I had a few extra minutes before I needed to leave for work, so I thought I could squeeze in a quick quiet time, so I grabbed my Jesus Calling devotional, and read the devotional for December 9th.

It was about taking risks, trusting in Jesus' plan, not living the safe and easy life, and following where He leads.  As I'm reading this, I kept hearing, "Adoption! Adoption! Adoption!" (like a flashing neon sign) - I felt the call to adopt.  And my honest reaction was:

"Oh, crap...."

I had to let go of the dream of having my own kids.  That might not be God's plan for us. 

As I am driving to work, I call Charles (which I rarely do while he's at work), and I make sure he knows I'm okay, but then I tell him, "I'm 99.9% sure we are supposed to adopt."

After his initial shock to my heavy conversation, he told me that that same morning, as he was journaling during his quiet time, he asked the Lord to give us a child.  He remembers thinking that was an odd way to phrase it, because that doesn't necessarily mean for me to be pregnant, which is how he was praying previously. 

So we came to the conclusion we are to adopt. 

The way we see it is that we have the room, means and love for a child (or children), so why not pursue adoption?  If I find out I'm pregnant in a few months down the road, we still plan on pursuing adoption. 

At this time, we'd appreciate prayer for clarity on the next steps.  We both envision local adoption.  And over the past couple of weeks, my desire to have a baby has grown strong.  So we aren't exactly sure where to go from here.   

There are two very different paths we could take.  We could go through an adoption lawyer, which would be very likely of adopting an infant, or we could go through The Call/DHS, which we could get an infant, but the timing isn't as clear as the previous option. 

And who knows, perhaps my desire for a baby doesn't mean the first child we get will be an infant.  It could be that we bring home a sibling set first, and then in a few years we bring home an infant.  There are just so many possibilities. 

Please pray for wisdom and clarity as we continue to seek God's plan for the growth of our family.

Matrix

Little over a year ago, Charles was looking at the photos on his phone and said, "I really like this picture of you. It's one of my favorites."

Now the photo wasn't anything special. Just a candid he previously took of me. 

But I instantly knew why he loved that picture even if he couldn't see why.

It was the last picture of me just minutes before our world changed forever. It was a picture of us in the waiting room just minutes before our 21 week ultrasound to find out the gender of Jonathan. 

December 9, 2013: That day will always be the day our world came crashing down.

Charles loves that picture because that girl in the picture is naive...because that girl in the picture doesn't understand tragedy...because that girl in the picture doesn't have grief and pain written all over her face.

It makes me sad that that is one of his favorite pictures because I know I will never be that girl anymore. 

It's as if my eyes have been opened, and I can't unsee what I've seen. It's like the Matrix. I now see the world for what it truly is. I see the pain, hurt and suffering. People are grieving all around me, and now I can actually see it.  

The pain and grief that has surfaced this holiday season in my community has been tremendous. To those who are grieving, hurting and suffering: two holidays down, one more to go. We will survive. We have to. 

Unfortunately we can't go back to the Matrix. We have already seen it for what it is. 

wake me up

I survived.

 

I survived Halloween year two.

 

I only had a few bitchy moments, one emotional breakdown and many thoughts of wanting to make my new profile picture me flipping everyone off all in the same day.

 

I'd like to think that I survived this first holiday of the season successfully.

 

 

 

Is it bad that I am already looking forward to January? I kinda feel like Green Day, and substituting "the holidays" for September (song: "Wake Me Up When September Ends").

 

It's true. I am so looking forward to January 1, and it's because that means the holidays are over, and (hopefully) I survived.

 

I am finished with all of my Christmas shopping already, and I think subconsciously that will help Christmas to come and go quickly.  

 

I used to love the holidays. They always seemed to go so quickly, and it made me sad. I wished it would be the Christmas all the time!  Don't get me wrong, I do enjoy the holidays still...kinda, but something is missing.

 

Someone is missing.

 

It's just different.

 

Part of me thought round two would be easier...and parts are, but overall it's still so tough.

 

I find myself stuck in the questions.

 

What would Jonathan be dressed up as for Halloween?

How much of his candy would we allow him to actually eat?

What food would he like from Thanksgiving dinner?

What would Christmas morning look like?

Would he get into his presents early?

 

Oh, I could write questions for days... There are just so many questions that will remain unanswered.

 

I'm not trying to live two parallel lives, but sometimes it's hard not to. 

I know I need to give myself grace. Especially during this holiday season. 

your grief

Dear Grieving Friend,
*a letter to my many friends going through loss and hard times

I am so sorry for your loss, pain and hurt. 

Unfortunately, there is nothing I can do to bring you the comfort you long for during this time. 

It's hurts. You hurt.

I cannot say it enough: I am sorry.

I know you feel isolated and alone, and I'm sorry. People are covering you with their prayers throughout the days and nights even if they don't mention it.

It's okay to feel numb.
It's okay to feel overwhelmed.
It's okay to be angry (even at God - He's not going anywhere).
It's okay to feel like punching someone in the face...especially those that say stupid things.

It's okay to feel exactly like you do each day, every moment.

It's okay to want to do something normal.
It's also okay to stay in bed all day.

You will have good days and bad days...and for awhile, the bad days will dominate the good ones. But when a good day does occur, try not to feel guilty.

Remember that even when you feel alone, you are loved by many. And many of those don't know what to say, but that doesn't mean they care any less.

Remember to give yourself grace. The road you are on is tough, and you are your toughest critic. Remember to be kind and patient with yourself. Take time to let your heart heal.

I hate that you are going through this. All I want to do is just hug your neck and take away your pain.

Grief sucks.
Loss sucks.
But you are stronger.

I am always here for you, and you are never alone.

Susan ❤

the shack

I'm not exactly sure where to start.

I talked with my uncle earlier this year, and while in the midst of my grief, he recommended that I read The Shack.

For those of you who don't remember, The Shack is a book that was super popular about 6-7 years ago.  It's about a father who's daughter is kidnapped and murdered (that's not a spoiler because you learn that within the first few chapters), and then the rest of the book is about his journey through grief - or his "great sadness" - with God. 

After my uncle recommended the book, I ordered it that night but I never really got around to reading it.  I was having such a hard time dealing with my own junk, I didn't really want to sit around reading about someone else's junk (even if it is fiction). 

So, I avoided reading it.

I saw my uncle at our family reunion in June this summer, and again, he recommended that I read The Shack.

After that trip, I ended up having lunch with a dear friend who has also (unfortunately) gone through the lost of a child, and at the lunch, she recommended that I read none other than The Shack.

I took this as a sign.  So, I started reading it.  To be honest, I actually listened to the audio version to get as much out of the book as possible.  I am a fast reader, which means I'm a skimmer, and I really wanted to make sure I didn't miss anything.

The book was tough to read because it felt so applicable.  The conversations that Mack was having with God or Jesus or the Holy Spirit were words that have been on the tip of my tongue for the past year and a half.

Let me stop a second.  I fully admit that The Shack is NOT scripture.  I know this.  But I also believe that God can use ANYTHING to meet us where we are at in our lives to speak to us.  Just as a song on the radio can speak to us, I whole-heartedly believe that God used this book to speak to me and help heal my broken and aching heart. 

To be completely honest, for parts of my quiet time over the past few months, I have been listening to The Shack. Again, the book is not scripture, but the book brought healing and comfort.

The conversations of doubt, anger, frustration, pain, sadness, and joy that Mack was having were powerful.  I felt (and feel) exactly like Mack.  And I'm so thankful that our God is so patient with us as we try to understand more of who He is. 

The book helped me see God as the loving God that He is. He loves us so much. Amidst my anger and questions, His love is never changing. 

I'm still processing the many layers I uncovered in this book, so I'm pretty sure this is one of many blogs about my journey reading through The Shack. 

It was such a great book to meet me where I was (and am) at.  I'll dive into it deeper next time.

Until then.