grace and oxygen

I've been feeling a lot of pressure recently.  Granted, most of it is me putting the pressure on myself.

As Zachary's due date is getting closer and closer, I have found myself getting more stressed out about upcoming decisions....however minor they might be.

I think a lot of the pressure is me not wanting to "screw up" with Zachary.  I think part of this stems from losing Jonathan, and here I am with another opportunity, and I can't mess up.

In my past few counseling sessions, I have realized that I don't give myself enough grace.  If I fail at something, I automatically label myself a failure.  There is no middle ground.

I anticipate a new layer of grief to present itself as I go through labor and delivery again.  I also anticipate that grief to linger in the upcoming months with Zachary, because I will be mourning the fact that I didn't get to go any of these things for or with Jonathan. 

At the end of the day, I want to be the best mom for Zachary, and I want to do everything right...because he'll actually come home with us...because I actually have the opportunity to do so. 

Alright, alright -- I know how unrealistic it is to be perfect.  And know I will fail at trying to do this...because perfect isn't possible.  But I can try to be the best mom I can be, failures and all.

I'm also feeling pressured to do things the way other people have done them.  But I have to be okay if those things aren't best for me, Charles and Zachary.  There might be a few unconventional things that we plan on doing, but it might be the best fit for us. 

...It might be the best thing for us to do for our healing hearts.

I have to be okay with putting myself and my family first in these decisions.  I have to be okay if friends and family don't understand, they think I'm being rude or they disagree altogether.  But I can't apologize for being someone that I'm not or having a need that I need to take care of.

My counselor threw my own advice back at me this week during our session when I was telling her how I was feeling selfish: "Sometimes you need to put your oxygen mask on first."
(referencing what flight attendants tell you if you are flying with a child) 

Sometimes you do need to put your oxygen mask on first...and that's okay.  That's okay to take care of yourself, so you can take care of those around you.  For a people pleaser, this can sometimes be a challenge. 

One huge area I'm debating on is breastfeeding.  Without getting into all the details on why or why not, we might end up solely doing formula.  This honestly might be the best option for me, Charles and Zachary. 

Another decision we've made is about visitors and houseguests.  I have no idea what to expect after we get home, but I cannot wait to treasure up the sacred moments of just Charles, myself and Zachary.  It brings tears to my eyes when I think of this time together...being home...just the three of us. 

For the first couple of weeks while Charles gets paternity time, we plan on getting a lot of quality time, just the three of us.  My heart needs this time.  My heart needs this time to heal and be filled with joy. 

I'm not trying to be unrealistic...I know there will be challenges during the first few weeks.  But as a mom who left the hospital last time with empty arms, bring it on.  Bring on that time, the good and the bad...and the healing. 

And after those two weeks, who knows how my heart will be.  Perhaps we will need more of that sacred, quality time.  Perhaps we will want all the visitors who can come to do so.  We have no idea what to expect, and that's okay. 

For those of you who are in the area and want to visit, just send us a text, and we will let you know where we are at during that time.  Perhaps we will welcome the company and want to share the joy of Zachary. And perhaps the next day would be a better time for a visit. 

Honestly, I feel selfish for setting this boundary, but the end of the day, I need grace for myself as I put my oxygen mask on first.

Grief Still Sucks

Recently, I have really felt like I've taken like 12 steps backwards in regards to where I am with my grief. I know it's messy and not black and white, but sometimes the depths of grief seem to be bottomless. 

I know my pregnancy hormones don't help things, but I also feel that this pregnancy is bringing new layers of grief to surface. 

As I am coming up on 32 weeks, I am finding myself comparing this trimester to my pregnancy with Jonathan more than the other two. Since I was on bed rest this time last time, I find myself more anxious about aches and twinges that feel at this stage.

I think ultimately there's a real part of me that thinks there's a chance that something could still go wrong.  It's almost like I can't exhale the breath I've been holding on to these last 32 weeks. As Zachary's due date gets closer, the harder I am trying to hold my breath. It's exhausting.

In our own twisted way, Charles and I joke about how we've already done the pregnancy part, but we haven't actually brought a baby home before. And I find myself being anxious of bringing Zachary home, but I also anticipate there being so much relief when that actually happens...(I just had to fight myself from typing "if that actually happens")...

You know, I have yet to finish any of the baby books that I have. And time is coming soon for us to actually meet Zachary. I think deep down I haven't finished a book yet because I am scared of actually anticipating bringing Zachary home. That by reading the books, it will just get my hopes up that much higher.

See, I told you grief still sucks. It still has such a strong hold on the outlook of these next few weeks.

I've always been a worst case scenario person and grief just amplifies it to another level. I was anxious with my delivery with Jonathan, but the count down of these next few weeks and delivering Zachary has my anxiety spiraling. 

I know there will be challeges when Zachary arrives, but I think the joy of having him safely in my arms and bringing him home will bring a new form of healing. 

Now, if only I could actually breathe before then.

messy

It's been awhile since my last post.  Some things have changed, while others really haven't.

I'm officially 22 weeks pregnant this Wednesday, which is a tad crazy...  it has gone so quickly.  Physically I'm feeling great, and little Zachary James is looking good as well. 

Also, we are officially opened as an adopt-only home for the state of Arkansas.  Not exactly sure what will be coming from all of this, but we are nervously excited about what our family could look like next year.

One thing that has remained constant is that grief still sucks.
...I'm beginning to wonder if that will just become a constant staple in my life...

After about six months off from counseling, I decided I probably needed to resume it again.  Some days I felt like I was still making huge progress, while other weeks felt like I've regressed. 

Surprisingly -- well, not actually -- my current pregnancy was just making (and still is making) my grief messy.  As my due date approaches, I decided to go back to counseling to help keep my sanity. 

One complex issue I'm dealing with is balancing the joys of a healthy pregnancy while still missing Jonathan.

Last week we had the BIG ultrasound to confirm that everything is looking good for Zachary, and everything does looks great!  It was such a huge milestone because this was the appointment that Jonathan got diagnosed with Potter's Syndrome.  It's interesting because I feel like this was a huge fork in our pregnancy.  Instead of being hit by a wave of pain and sorrow like we were at Jonathan's appointment, we are now able to be fully excited and enjoy the last half of this pregnancy.  This is something totally new and unchartered territory. It's a blessing that everything is so good, but the emotions are messy because I almost feel like with each healthy step for Zac, I'm losing a bit of my connection with Jonathan. 

As I've said before, in some twisted way I find myself holding on to the pain from the loss of Jonathan because it is something that so closely connected me to him.  Again, I hear how messed up that sounds.
 
I had my first baby shower ever (and it was wonderful!), but I found myself the night before in tears and heartbroken.  It wasn't just that I was missing Jonathan more than normal.  I think it was just another example of what never was with Jonathan...and then feeling guilty for getting to have one for Zac. 

One thing I didn't realize is now that I'm showing, so many people and strangers want to start a conversation about whether or not this is my first.  I know they are just making small talk, but sometimes the question leaves me feeling so awful.  Sometimes if I don't want to open my heart, I answer that yes, this is my first.  Then I almost immediately feel regret because I didn't acknowledge my first sweet born.  But, if I answer honestly, it usually turns the conversation into something super awkward.  It's really a lose-lose question that makes me feel bad afterwards. I just usually have to make a quick decision about which part of the bad I want to feel.
 
We got a new nephew this week.  Which is exciting, but also so grief-filled.  It's not that I'm not happy for my BIL and SIL, but it's their second, and the connection between their first and their second is so precious....and it's just another area of loss that hits me in the face. Sometimes it's the things we don't anticipate that hits us out of left field. It's no secret that I had a hard time with their first pregnancy, but all during their second, it was so much better.  But as soon as he was born, and big brother met little brother, the cloud of funk rolled in for me.  We won't get to have that moment with Jonathan and Zac in the hospital.

Grief is so frustrating because I'm tired of it getting in the way of relationships.  Also, as time continues and our family grows with Zachary (and future kiddos), I feel like the patience of people is running thin when I identify that I'm having a hard time with the loss of Jonathan.  It is never spoken, but sometimes I can feel it. 

In addition to the constant struggle of joy and grief, through counseling I've identified how at bay I am keeping God.  This is stemming from my need to control things and still dealing with my broken heart.  There's a part of me where I feel like God let me down regarding everything with Jonathan, even though there has been so much redemption over the past two years.  It's that weird part of grief where I know something to be true, but then it's so disconnected from how my gut feels. The fears I have with my current pregnancy feel like I'm keeping God at an arm's length.  Don't get me wrong, I love Him and believe He is a good God, but I feel like I put an asterisk on the end of my relationship with Him to help protect my heart. 

I promise you, the purpose of today's blog was not to be depressing.  I just wanted to share how messy it all still is after two years.  Ultimately, I really thought I would have been further with the progress of my grief, but as day to day life continues, I'm learning how many depths of grief there is....and it really is just messy. 

update

I feel like there are three areas in my life that I am compartmentalizing: Jonathan, pregnancy, and adoption.

Yes, there are still many moments of grief I still have. It definitely doesn't help with April 1st around the corner.

We celebrated Charles' birthday, then mine...and then it's the count down to Jonathan's. When I woke up March 7th, it definitely hit me in the face.

Our church did a video on us and Jonathan's story. It was tough to be so vulnerable, but I find strength knowing God is still using Jonathan. It brings me comfort.

Navigating grief is still so hard when it's unexpected.

Along with the reoccurring grief, introvertedness and morning sickness, I feel like I am kinda sucking at friendships right now. I know I'm probably being too hard on myself, but I do not have a lot of extra energy to give.

It doesn't help with where I am at: I'm still in limbo with my stage of life. Even two years later, I still have a hard time relating to my friends who are moms. By the way, 99.99% of my friends are moms. Yes, I'm pregnant now, but that doesn't solve anything. I'm still in limbo.

This is one of the areas of my life where grief has really messed up.

On top of grief, I'm pregnant. That's a biggy. It's already been a struggle trying to enjoy this pregnancy. I'm definitely more pessimistic than optimistic in general, and perhaps it's also me trying to protect my heart.

I asked my cousin, who has gone through her own loss, when it gets easier with a new pregnancy. Her response:
"Ummmmmm 😬😳😂"

Awesome.

I guess this is how the "new normal" is still being defined in my life.

I'm trying to enjoy this pregnancy as much as I can...the morning sickness/all day sickness sometimes hinders that joy. With Jonathan, I planned on mapping everything out regarding nursery and registry once we found out the gender, so I am not behind or anything this time around, but still, I need to break down the barriers around my heart and allow myself to get excited. I have to make the choice to do so.

One way we embraced the pregnancy was by picking out baby names this weekend. That was nice to allow myself that excitement. FYI - the names are super cute!

Everything is going well so far with Baby G -- the ultrasounds have shown a strong heartbeat. Although it's too early to tell, I already know it's a girl.

Then on to topic number three: adoption.

We wrapped up our training in February, and now we are just waiting for our home study. It could be another couple of months before we are officially open.

The training was wonderful! It was so encouraging seeing God work through all of the families at the training! I really began to see the calling God has for us and our family. It's almost like being a local missionary to the broken hearts in our community.

It might sound a bit crazy to be apart of the adoption/fostering world, and some people might not understand, but we know we are in good company.

Honestly, I do feel a bit overwhelmed with the idea of adoption. I think that healthy. I know that God will provide a family for us, and trusting in Him gives me peace in the uncertainty. Which is hard at times because I am a control person.

The easy thing to do is to stop the adoption and focus on my pregnancy. But big picture: it's not about us. In addition, Charles and I both feel it's still an open door. I know we are going to adopt one day, and perhaps that day will happen this year, next year, or in five years. We don't know exactly when, but we are still seeking God for His timing.

God has it all under control. His has a plan that is better than mine. I'm not sure what that plan is, but I do know He is a GOOD God.

https://vimeo.com/155900665

a little about us.

This past week we had meetings with two different avenues for our adoption process.  In all honesty, both meetings did not go as we expected and left us feeling a bit discouraged.  The lawyer we met with strongly encouraged us to get our information out to friends and family that we are adopting.  Below is a little about us and our story.  If you feel led, please share our story, and join us on this journey as God continues to lead our path of growing our family.

 

To sum us up: we love Jesus, our dogs and the St. Louis Cardinals baseball team.

 

First and foremost, we love Jesus.  Our personal relationships with Him is where we draw our strength and wisdom for us and our family.  We are actively involved with our church, and we currently are leaders for our community group.  Charles and I both grew up in a Christian home and plan on raising our family the same way.

 

We have three dogs, and absolutely love the joy that they bring to our family.  We've had Bella (Beagle) for almost seven years, Pippa (Westie) for three years, and this summer we got Yadi-Bear (Goldendoodle). 

 

 

We are huge St. Louis Cardinals baseball fans!  With Charles growing up in St. Louis, he has always been a Cardinals fan.  I married into it, but I have fully accepted the lifestyle.  We try to catch a couple games during the season when we visit family in the St. Louis area.

 

 

As I mentioned, Charles grew up in St. Louis, Missouri.  He grew up in a large family, and he is number four of seven children.  I (Susan) grew up in Siloam Springs, Arkansas.  I am the youngest of three girls. 

 

Charles and I met at John Brown University my junior year and his freshmen year.  Charles studied business, and I studied Family and Human Services.  We dated for a year and a half, and we got married the December after I graduated. 

 

Seven years later here we are. 

 

 

To describe us, Charles likes to say we are "Team Chusan!"  Yes, we even have a secret handshake. We are a bit corny, but we like to have a good time.  Charles is very outgoing and extraverted. He loves the social setting and business world.  He's such a hard-worker and is always willing to go the extra mile to get the job done.  I am a bit more quiet and introverted in a social setting.  I enjoy getting together with a friend over coffee and getting some good quality time.  Charles has worked in the corporate world since graduation from college, and the past four years, I have worked at a local elementary school.  We both love humor, spending time with friends, hanging out at house with our dogs, traveling to visit family, eating good food and chocolate. 

 

A couple of years ago, we decided to start our family.  We quickly got pregnant with our son Jonathan.  But unfortunately, we found out at 21 weeks that Jonathan had Potter's Syndrome, and he never developed kidneys.  This is 99.99% fatal.  I carried him to 36 weeks, and we had the most wonderful 4 hours of our lives.  He was born on April 1, 2014 and passed on April 2, 2014. 

 

After Charles and I started healing from our loss, we decided to continue to grow our family.  After a few months of trying, I got pregnant again.  Unfortunately, a year ago we loss our second baby at 11 weeks.  Since that loss, we have been trying to grow our family. 

 

Last month we have decided to grow our family through adoption.  On December 9th (which was the 2 year anniversary of when we learned of Jonathan's diagnosis), I was doing my quiet time before work and it was about taking risks, following God's plan and not living comfortably.  It was like I was hearing the word "adoption!" as I was reading the devotional.  I then called Charles on the way to work to let him know that I was 99.99% sure we were supposed to adopt.  He then told me that that morning during his quiet time he wrote and asked that God would give us a child.  He quickly realized that that didn't necessarily mean I'd get pregnant.  It is so encouraging to see God's hand as He is clearly creating the desire for us to grow our family in this way.

We'd love to bring a newborn into our home.  We have the love in our hearts and space in our home for a precious baby.  We are trusting that God has a plan for us that is better than our own, and we aren't sure what His plan is, but we know He is a Good and Faithful. 

 

If you or someone you know is looking for a family for adoption, we'd love to start a conversation.  Please contact us at OurGreathouseFamily@gmail.com.  



adoption

When Charles and I first got married, I mentioned that I wanted to adopt one day.  He wasn't too open to the idea, and he preferred to have our own children.  After that conversation, I just prayed that if we were to adopt, that God would change Charles' heart and Charles would lead our family by bringing up the topic.

Fast forward to spring 2015.  While processing our loss of Jonathan, the idea of adoption kept popping up.  We didn't seriously discuss it, but we knew it could be an option for our family.

Over the past few months, we've seen God use families who have adopted to open our hearts to adoption.  One Sunday afternoon in October, Charles and I were eating at Chuy's when Charles asked, "What do you think about adoption for our family?" This was the first time we seriously discussed it. I also pointed out that he had come a long way from when we first got married.  It was cool to see how God answered my prayer, and Charles was leading our family in regards to adoption. 

When Charles brought up the topic, surprisingly, I was the one with an issue.  I didn't want to adopt.  I want to have my own babies.  Simple as that.  So we decided to pray separately about it.

We have been trying to continue to grow our family since May, but we haven't had much luck.  I contacted my doctor in November, and she recommended that if I still wasn't pregnant by January, we'd start on the path of infertility treatments.  For some reason, that didn't sit well with me.  I've gotten pregnant twice already, and I don't really want to do infertility treatments.  I don't think that there is anything wrong with them, but at this point in my life, I don't really feel like that's what we should do. 

Then December 9th came.  The two year anniversary of Jonathan's diagnosis. Not only was it December 9th, but that day it was officially confirmed I wasn't pregnant for that month.  Boy, that day was starting off great! 

I had a few extra minutes before I needed to leave for work, so I thought I could squeeze in a quick quiet time, so I grabbed my Jesus Calling devotional, and read the devotional for December 9th.

It was about taking risks, trusting in Jesus' plan, not living the safe and easy life, and following where He leads.  As I'm reading this, I kept hearing, "Adoption! Adoption! Adoption!" (like a flashing neon sign) - I felt the call to adopt.  And my honest reaction was:

"Oh, crap...."

I had to let go of the dream of having my own kids.  That might not be God's plan for us. 

As I am driving to work, I call Charles (which I rarely do while he's at work), and I make sure he knows I'm okay, but then I tell him, "I'm 99.9% sure we are supposed to adopt."

After his initial shock to my heavy conversation, he told me that that same morning, as he was journaling during his quiet time, he asked the Lord to give us a child.  He remembers thinking that was an odd way to phrase it, because that doesn't necessarily mean for me to be pregnant, which is how he was praying previously. 

So we came to the conclusion we are to adopt. 

The way we see it is that we have the room, means and love for a child (or children), so why not pursue adoption?  If I find out I'm pregnant in a few months down the road, we still plan on pursuing adoption. 

At this time, we'd appreciate prayer for clarity on the next steps.  We both envision local adoption.  And over the past couple of weeks, my desire to have a baby has grown strong.  So we aren't exactly sure where to go from here.   

There are two very different paths we could take.  We could go through an adoption lawyer, which would be very likely of adopting an infant, or we could go through The Call/DHS, which we could get an infant, but the timing isn't as clear as the previous option. 

And who knows, perhaps my desire for a baby doesn't mean the first child we get will be an infant.  It could be that we bring home a sibling set first, and then in a few years we bring home an infant.  There are just so many possibilities. 

Please pray for wisdom and clarity as we continue to seek God's plan for the growth of our family.

Matrix

Little over a year ago, Charles was looking at the photos on his phone and said, "I really like this picture of you. It's one of my favorites."

Now the photo wasn't anything special. Just a candid he previously took of me. 

But I instantly knew why he loved that picture even if he couldn't see why.

It was the last picture of me just minutes before our world changed forever. It was a picture of us in the waiting room just minutes before our 21 week ultrasound to find out the gender of Jonathan. 

December 9, 2013: That day will always be the day our world came crashing down.

Charles loves that picture because that girl in the picture is naive...because that girl in the picture doesn't understand tragedy...because that girl in the picture doesn't have grief and pain written all over her face.

It makes me sad that that is one of his favorite pictures because I know I will never be that girl anymore. 

It's as if my eyes have been opened, and I can't unsee what I've seen. It's like the Matrix. I now see the world for what it truly is. I see the pain, hurt and suffering. People are grieving all around me, and now I can actually see it.  

The pain and grief that has surfaced this holiday season in my community has been tremendous. To those who are grieving, hurting and suffering: two holidays down, one more to go. We will survive. We have to. 

Unfortunately we can't go back to the Matrix. We have already seen it for what it is.