Make My Heart Believe

While we were watching "First Man" this weekend -- *spoiler* Neil Armstrong was the first man on the moon -- there was another story-line that unfolded that I wasn't prepared for. 

Armstrong's daughter died at the age of two due to a brain tumor.  

This story-line seemed to intertwine the entire movie.   

It was hard.  Since it stung so much, I quickly made sarcastic and smart-alick comments all throughout the movie to keep the tears from coming...the healthy thing to do, right? 

Well, even though it was a few days ago, I keep lingering on how much heart aches from his loss...and obviously, my loss. 

I don't know what it is, but I've been missing Jonathan a lot these last few weeks. Perhaps it's all of FB posts about Kindergarten registration.  I can't believe he would have been five. Perhaps it's because Zac and Charlotte have been sick these last few weeks, and my root fear of sickness and germs stems from losing Jonathan. Perhaps it's all the new baby announcements of baby number three. 

**Friends who just had baby number three/pregnant with number three, I am beyond happy for you (which is why I stalk your Instagram stories!).  It has nothing to do with you - it's just the messiness of grief.**

Charlotte is my third baby.  But to those that don't know our story don't know that I, too, have three babies.  They see my two sweet babies, and not the hole in my heart from Jonathan. It's just another reminder that Jonathan isn't here. 

The other day I heard one of my new favorite worship songs: "Jesus Is Better" -- During these last few years of healing my relationship with Jesus, learning to trust Him again, this song played a big role in that healing.  

Here's some of the lyrics:

"In all my sorrows, Jesus is better
make my heart believe
In all my victories, Jesus is better
make my heart believe

Than any comfort, Jesus is better
make my heart believe
More than all riches, Jesus is better
make my heart believe
Our souls declaring, Jesus is better
make my heart believe
Our song eternal, Jesus is better - make my heart believe"

What I connected with is the crying out of "make my heart believe" -- Such a wonderful and encouraging line.  While I still have a way to go to completely trust Jesus hasn't/isn't going to let me down, that line encourages me that it's okay to also ask for help in believing who Jesus says He is. 

Man, at the end of the day, grief is so messy and so evident all day long.  As you can see, these are three different situations where I am constantly being bombarded with my loss of Jonathan.  Grief is an exhausting road, but:

 "In all my sorrows, Jesus is better

make my heart believe...
Than any comfort, Jesus is better
make my heart believe"