I am find myself in the thick of it with grief still which irritates me because I feel like I should have made more progress than I have. Granted, I know that April 1st is coming up which surfaces more layers of grief.
I still find myself feeling left behind regarding kids and my family. Yes, I have Zac, but now my friends are having their 2nd or 3rd child...and yes, Zac is my second child, but it doesn't appear like that to the outside world. I still feel need to catch up. Granted, getting pregnant right away won't solve anything, but it's still a feeling that I am constantly fighting. I'm finding it hard to be content with where I am. Perhaps it's because I feel like my family is incomplete with Jonathan missing. That hole that he left will always make me feel like something is missing from our family.
I feel like I am failing at friendships. Literally. I feel like I am the suckiest friend in the whole world. I would like to make a mass apology to those who have texted/messaged me, and I haven't responded. It has nothing to do with you. It has everything to do with me. I want to be a better friend. I want to connect with you. But it's me. Not only am I trying to figure out married life with being a new mom, but my emotional bucket is empty usually the month of March... Okay, that's a lie. I feel empty often. This is where I get irritated with myself for not being better. I know that you care and love me. I know that you aren't judging me (even though I fill that part in for you and feel like a complete failure). Again, I know that you care about me. I'm sorry I don't actually let you show it. As I previously said, I think I should be feeling better by now, or at least know how to deal with my grief. But I still have those really tough days. And my safe place is my home...with Charles and Zac. I'm still trying to figure out who I am. I'm not the person or friend that I once was. For that, I'm sorry. But please continue to be patient with me as I am still navigating through this grief. I don't know how long it will take, but please be patient.
I'm still really struggling with germs and my fears. Yesterday, I had Chusan lunch with Charles at Chick-fil-a, and I almost had a complete panic attack while there. Zac was in his stroller, pulled up to our booth. We were sitting in a booth next to where the order line would be if it was long. Once we got our food, 50 kids came in from a field trip. They were right next to us, bumping into Zac's stroller. They were really well behaved, but one would cough and another one would sneeze... and I was about to die. Poor Charles kept trying to start a conversation to take my mind off of it, but I couldn't concentrate. We inhaled our food and left. I cried the whole way back to the office to drop Charles off. It's moments like this where I feel so crazy. I feel like I haven't made the progress that I thought I have. My fears are such a struggle for me. I am so afraid of losing Zac. I'm so afraid that God will take him away from me. As you can see, I'm still working on the whole "trusting Jesus" thing...
I made a twisted realization the other day. I'm trying so hard to lose my baby weight from Zac's pregnancy. I still have 24lbs to go to get to my pre-Zac weight. My ultimate goal is to lose an additional 20lbs after that. If I do that, I'll be at my pre-Jonathan weight. That number is 151. I just want to be back at 151 so badly. The other day I realized that deep down that number stands for more than just being a size 8 again. In my mind, I think that if I get back to 151, I'll be happier. I'll be my old self again. I won't feel this pain that I feel on a daily basis. My eyes finally see what that number represents. But it isn't my baby weight that brings me this pain. I need to accept that I won't ever be that person that I was before December 9, 2013. That's a hard truth. I know that I have some really positive things going on in my life, but there is a part of me that just want to be happy again. But 151 won't be the happiness I'm searching for.
When I say these things out loud, that's when I really feel that I haven't made as much progress as I thought I have. Deep down I know that I have made progress, and I know I need to be gracious to myself. I guess I just continue to realize that I'm still trying to navigate this journey and continue to accept my new normal. Grief is such a messy thing. I know I've come far, but there are those days when I feel like I haven't moved an inch. I know that God's Grace is new every morning. And for that I am thankful. But there are still days were the pain seems to overpower the grace. Thankfully tomorrow has a new morning.
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